30 Days of Me-Day 25 *12-24-10*

First of all, Merry Christmas Eve to everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with laughter, family, and friends.

Day 25: Your day, in great detail
Well, I had been putting off this post because I wanted to actually write about the day on the day, but I've come to terms with the fact that by the end of the day I'm just too tired to and too absent-minded to get on here and do it. lol. So, I'm going to write about a day in great detail, yesterday, to be exact.

I was awoke at 7 am to the phone ringing. It was someone from Robert's ship calling to check in. Yesterday was supposed to be a work day for him, but because he had duty today and would be there all day, they told him that he could take the day off. They call to basically make sure you're still alive and that they still have a small amount of control over your day.
He got up, but I stayed in bed until the baby woke up around 8. Actually, Robert came in and gave me some options: I could sleep in and then I'd have to take the baby to lunch with me while he moved boxes into storage, or I could get up while he moved stuff right then, and he'd be free to watch the baby while I went to lunch with a friend. I decided to get up then, because Xander's nap time would fall right around my lunch time and I'd rather him be at home so he could sleep.

Well, all that changed by 8:30 when someone from his ship called to tell him he had to come in. At 7, he was off for the day but by 8:30, they needed him. Of course we both accepted this graciously, with a few choice words and some eyerolls. He took a load over to the storage unit and headed in. (We're moving by the way..I probably should have said that earlier. I think I might have mentioned it before. He's deploying and I'm moving home to Ohio.)

At that point I decided to head to the mall to get a couple last minute gifts for Robert. I was going to wait and see if my friend wanted to go with me, but since I was now going to have the baby, I wanted to do it before lunch so we could come home for a nap right after. We went to the mall that we don't normally go to because it has a Fossil store and I wanted to get Robert's watch fixed for him. I also stopped by Barnes & Noble and got him one last book. **No worries, I am 100% certain he won't read this before tomorrow, if ever.** I got hit on at Barnes and Noble which was a story in itself.
      I'm walking up and down the aisles searching for this book. I look up and see this guy staring at me. He says "Sup?" and I laugh inside. I didn't know people still said "sup" in face-to-face conversation. Well, let me rephrase that. I didn't know people still said it as a pick-up line. I thought to myself "he's probably just being nice and he hasn't got the 'sup' memo yet.." and I walked on. Well, I was right the first time to assume he was trying to be suave, because the second time I passed him he said "You're sexy as hell, you know that?" Okay..panic mode. I don't know what to do when someone hits on me. It doesn't happen often. And the use of the word "sexy" always throws me off. I haven't been sexy a day in my life. Cute, sometimes..pretty at best. Sexy, no. I don't even know how to be. lol. Secondly, I'm always blown away by how up-front people are. Even in my young and single days, which were very few, I would have never had the confidence to just approach a stranger and say something like that. And last but not least, I was pushing a toddler in a stroller..I thought that always threw guys off (I would hope the wedding band would too, but there's no guaranteeing he saw that). So, I just walked away as fast as possible. I probably should have at least said "thank you". lol. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy..cute, well-groomed, not creepy. I guess he just thought his lines were better than they were and probably wasn't expecting a married woman that doesn't know how to respond to come-ons aside from running in the other direction. lol.

So anyway, I got what I needed at the mall and headed to meet my friend for lunch. We had a nice lunch and I conned Xander into eating some vegetables by dipping them in ketchup. lol.
I laid Xander down for a nap around 3 and Robert got home around 3:30. We just hung out, watched TV, browsed the interwebs. lol. He decided he wanted to go out that night, so I texted my brother and invited him and his girlfriend. They had plans so we got a hold of one of Robert's friends from the ship and we met him and his girlfriend at Buffalo Wild Wings. We waited a little bit to be seated and a good while to actually get our food, but we had a great time. They loved how silly Xander is. Robert's friend kept saying "Is he always like so cool like this?" He did do great. No real fussy spells and he actually ate. We also kept giving him lemons, which he loves, but we were all almost in tears laughing at all his sour faces.

I drove home because Robert had a couple drinks. (Before we went in he said "Do you want me to drink so you can drive?" lol! He's too much sometimes.) We were all exhausted when we got home. We put Xander to bed and then spent some QT together--snuggled up in the bed watching The Office, per usual--before falling asleep.

So there you have it, my day in great detail. It was a pretty good day. =)

I'm just waiting.

I know it has taken me forever to do this 30 Day Challenge. It's been a few months since I started, which is really depressing that I can't even keep up with something for a month straight. I've noticed as an adult that I feel dumber than I used to as a teen. lol. It might sound funny, but I'm serious. I know I'm intelligent, but I'm oh so scatter-brained and forgetful. I've always been a procrastinator but I've realized that I have no amount of self-starter in myself and it makes me a little mad. I used to feel like I could do anything I put my mind to and that my mind was a wonderful thing. Now I just feel like it's just kind of there..getting me through each day. I'm in school, but I need to figure out something else to do to apply myself. It's extremely sad when I can't even complete a task that is supposed to be fun. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, I love my life..I just wish I valued my personality and my talents as much as I used to. I feel like..jello. Just jello. J-e-l-l-o. It's alive.
Anyway, I need to do something in order to light a fire under my own tail and finish the things I've started. This blog holds little importance in my life but writing is something I love to do. I should put more time into it.

I know the next daily challenge is for me to write about my day in detail. Now I'm just waiting for a day that's worth writing about. Oh, I've had them, for sure. But, it seems like the only time I remember this is on days that I've just been sitting here at the apartment, cleaning, doing homework, changing diapers and filling up sippy cups. I don't want to write about a different day, because, well..that would be lying. lol. So, hopefully I can catch myself on an exciting day and get through the next part of this challenge so I can complete it..and then possibly start another one with a bit more gusto.

That was short-lived. =(

Well, I have to say this post isn't going to be nearly as happy and exciting as the last. I found out on Thursday that we lost the baby. =( I'm completely heartbroken and just confused. But, at the same time I am not discouraged. I am trying to let go and let God. I know there is some kind of plan, some kind of reason that I am here where I am now. And, although I may not ever truly know what that reason is, I will put my faith in the reason itself and move forward.

On Tuesday I began having some brown discharge. I didn't think too much of it..brown means old and no worries, right? Well that night I noticed a little red blood on the toilet paper. I went straight in to the ER. Knowing I may have low progesterone (because I did with Xander) and I hadn't been able to see the doctor yet (boo on military docs) so I wasn't on a supplement, I was immediately fearful that something was wrong. The pelvic exam showed nothing out of the ordinary and neither did the ultra sound although it didn't show any sign of baby. The docs said that was normal for where I was at in the pregnancy. My hcg levels were at a 54.

On Wednesday, the bleeding and cramping got worse and it was as if I started a normal period. I ended up back in the ER that night, we repeated the process minus the blood tests and the doc said he just couldn't tell me at that point. My cervix was closed but that didn't mean I hadn't already lost the baby or that I wouldn't. I had an appointment scheduled for Friday to check the hcg again but they didn't want me to wait until then, so I was told to come back in Thursday to the ER and get it redone. I did, and that's when I found out my levels were down to a 24. =(

I kept my appointment Friday. Another pelvic exam, another ultrasound. Everything looked "okay" although it wasn't okay in my eyes. My uterus and everything looks healthy, so on the brightside it seems as though I will be able to get through it naturally and not require a DNC. I have to go back in on this coming Friday for one more blood test to make sure my levels are at a 0.

I've had a few days of extreme pain and a lot of bleeding but I think it's finally coming to an end. I can't say the emotional effects will be so quick to disappear. But, I am remaining strong and positive. This is extremely hard, considering my husband left the morning of the day we found out and won't be back for another week. But, we'll make it through. And, we're planning to begin trying again as soon as we can. We believe we'll be blessed with another child in the future, but a piece of our hearts will always remain with this one.

We have been so blessed with the son that we do have and he's truly brightened each day since this has happened. I don't know what I'd do without that sweet face. So many friends and family members have reached out to us and it's been heart-warming. Although the pain cannot be taken away and the reality cannot be changed, it is nice to know people are thinking of us and praying for us and it truly helps get through times like these.

I'm sorry to anyone who has ever experienced a loss like this. No one should have to give up hopes and dreams of a future with the perfect little expression of their love. My heart is with anyone who has felt this or a loss later in pregnancy or, Heaven forbid, the loss of a child. I hope you will join me in knowing that there is a reason to go on and something wonderful for us up ahead. <3

Dear hormones, I forgive you.

Yep, that's right. I'm no longer mad at my body. I see now that it wasn't playing tricks on me and that it had good reason to be doing the things it was doing.

You guessed it, I'm pregnant! Of course I thought there was a good possibility: the fact that we were actively trying and did the deed during my ovulation, the fact that my boobies were leaking, more frequent bathroom breaks, and a few sprinklings of nausea here and there. I didn't want to read too much into it, especially after taking one test that was negative. So, I waited until I was for sure late and tested the next day. I woke at 5am to pee as I had every day for almost a week and I couldn't wait until I was officially "up" for the day so I tested then. I loved seeing that word on the test: Pregnant.

After a couple of hours of excitement I fell back to sleep and thankfully Xander slept in a little bit that morning. Once we got up I got him all ready for his doctor's appointment and because if that appointment, Robert got off work early. Thankfully I didn't have to wait 12 hours to tell him like I did with Xander. He got home around noon and I let him know the great news. He was very excited but it didn't take long for the worry to set in. I'm due only a couple of weeks after he's set to return home from deployment. If history repeats itself, we won't have to worry about me going early (Xander hung in there until 40 weeks 6 days), but there's always the questions of what we're going to do leading up to the birth.
Xander and I are moving home to Ohio while Robert is deployed and it's certainly not the best idea to move 9 hours and try to set up an apartment when I'm 36-38 weeks along. So, the question is, would it be better for me to move here a month or two before he gets home and take the chance of me being alone when I got into labor (if I were to go early), or would it be better for me to remain in Ohio with plenty of people to help and Robert hope he gets the correct leave to come there for the birth and then us make the trip with a newborn back to Virginia?

He was stressed right away and I have to admit, it kind of upset me because I just wanted to revel in the happiness of it all. But, he's right. We have a lot to figure out before then. I know he's also probably just a little overwhelmed that now this dream of a baby is real and that means it's real that he's going to miss my growing belly, the first kicks, finding out the sex, baby showers and the lot of it. Not to mention the rumors that his deployment may be extended and that he may not be home to welcome our new addition into the world.

Although all of that is extremely stressful, overwhelming, and a bit sad, we're definitely excited to have another little one on the way! We couldn't be happier. We know another little baby will be a lot of work with our little ball of energy we've already got. But, we'll work it out. We've always wanted another little one and Xander will make an awesome big brother. I couldn't be more pleased or more blessed with my little family.

Dear hormones, what the F?

As some may know, Robert and I have been trying to get pregnant with baby #2 for about 3 months now. Well, this is my fourth cycle since we stopped using protection. Obviously, we haven't gotten lucky yet, which is fine. Although, because of my PCOS, I teeter on the edge of panic each time my period comes or I get a negative on a test, but I know that in the grand scheme of things we shouldn't be worrying yet.

Toward the end of last month I decided to buy one of those nifty ovulation predictor kits. I wanted to ease my fears that I wasn't ovulating at all and assure myself that there's no looming problem, just not our time yet. Well, I got my smiley face on November 5th and I did a little happy dance. Of course I was ready to get right down to business but that's easier said than done with a toddler running around so we planned to wait until he was fast asleep. No such luck there because a friend who had borrowed hubby's car called with some bad news: the car had broken down a whopping four hours from here and the hubs had to leave immediately and go pick him up. They drove to a hotel (he broke down in the middle of no where) and fixed the car in the morning. My mom got into town that day and Robert and I spent some much needed alone time that night..dinner, movie, hotel room..the works. So, although the deed could not be done the day of that beautiful smiley, it was done the day after, which according to the package is still in the fertile time period.
That was 10 days ago. I've had a few "symptoms" but I always have symptoms when I think I might be pregnant. I notice the littlest things and more often than not, they mean nothing.

Fast forward to last night. I'm getting in the shower and I notice a few bumps on my nipples. I experienced the same change when I was pregnant with Xander and I just thought "huh..". Out of instinct, I squeezed. And sure enough..a couple drops of fluid appeared. I tried again, and again, and yet again..a minuscule drop each time. Very odd, I must say. I yelled for the hubs and showed him. "It's probably just a zit." Umm, I'm pretty positive that people don't get zits there. But just in case, I tried the other side. A small drop. So here I am, dumbfounded.

Of course we jumped right on the computer. "Call Dr. Internet", the hubs says. And of course, still as lost as before. We found out that most people don't lactate without being pregnant but it is possible due to hormone changes. We also found out that it's not common that early in a pregnancy but that it sometimes happens because of a reserve from a previous pregnancy. So, that left us just as confused as when we began.

Of course I woke up and immediately peed on a stick this morning. Negative. Even more dumbfounded. Is it too early to test? Quite possibly. I only ovulated 10 days ago. Implantation occurs 6-12 days after ovulation, meaning that may not have even happened yet. But, it is 5 days before my expected period and the test says it produces a 6 day early result. Maybe I'm not pregnant. But why would my breasts just up and decide to release a few drops of fluid after I've been dry in that area for over a year? And of all of the times to do so..when we're trying to conceive and know for sure we had sex on a fertile day? If this is a trick..it's a really mean one. lol.

So, here I am. Waiting. Wondering. Asking every question possible because I just don't get it. Hubby doesn't want to even talk about it for fear that his hopes will go up. When I told him about the negative he said "I knew it. Just hormones. It's not feasible to lactate 10 days into a pregnancy." He's right about that. But is it more feasible to lactate when you're not pregnant at all? Ugh..who knows?

I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to throw this out into the blog world. I don't have an announcement and I'm sure that anyone reading is just as confused as I am, wondering well now what? I guess we'll know in about a week. At least I feel a little better getting it all out here. Looks like we'll take it day by day and I'm sure I'll be shouting it from the roof tops if we find out any good news.

30 Days of Me -Day 24 *11-10-10*

Day 24: Whatever tickles your fancy

Lately, I've been realizing that some people take the commitment of marriage way to lightly. Of course I've always known that some people don't understand what they're getting into when they decide to get married, but I never realized how common that was until now.
I'm not sure if it's because most of my friends are still young (mid 20s or younger) or that a lot of the couples I know have the stress of the military lifestyle to overcome, but it seems as if so many relationships around me are ending in divorce or on a collision course for disaster.

When Robert and I began dating we were still kids. We were both 17--hadn't even began our senior year in high school yet. We moved in together at 18, the week before graduation. We bought a house together at 19. Got engaged and married at 19 & 20. Moved to Chicago at 20 and began this Navy life. Had a child at 21. We definitely understand being young and in love. We know what it's like to grow up together, literally.
We've gone through bootcamp and A-school together, one deployment, several underways, and we're already preparing for deployment #2. So, we get the military stress as well.

The day I said "I do" I understood that meant forever, no matter what, under all circumstances. It didn't mean "I do..unless you're gone for a few weeks and I get lonely." It didn't mean "I do..unless you make me mad." It didn't mean "I do..unless life becomes stressful." It didn't mean "I do..as long as you change." It didn't mean "I do..unless I change." Stress is inevitable. Sadness, loneliness, fights..all inevitable. Change is inevitable. When you get married, you're not saying that you're always going to be exactly the way you were on that day..you're saying that although you know you're going to change and grow, you're choosing to grow together rather than to grow apart.
I'm not saying that there won't ever be doubt..arguments..hurt feelings. We all have that. And, I also understand that some people just truly aren't meant to work out. When you thought you felt one way and you realize you don't..when you've exhausted all your options and tried as hard as you can..I know sometimes it still doesn't work.

It's just the people that don't even feel like they have to try that get to me. In just the last week or so, I've come in contact with a girl who is married, yet texting dirty photos of herself and planning rendezvous with an ex..a girl who removes her wedding band when she goes out dancing just because it's "just for fun", one who exchanges numbers with guys she meets while her husband is deployed because she's "not really going to call."
They could all be the same girl, honestly. None of them understand what marriage is. None of them get that you're married 100% of the time, whether it's more convenient not to be or not. When temptation sneaks in, you refuse it..you don't go searching for it. It's not "just nothing" when another man is kissing on your neck while your husband is overseas wishing he could be home with you.
It truly infuriates me to see this. Of course it's not just women..the men do it too. And it's not just young relationships or military relationships. It's every relationship. Of course everyone makes mistakes, but before you allow yourself to be in that position, why not think about *why* you're even drawn to that. Why do you think it's okay to behave that way? What do you expect out of your partner and are you giving him or her the same thing?

Life is hard. Building a life with one person is difficult as well. There are going to be trials, arguments, distance at times. There are going to be people who realize they aren't supposed to be together. But, please, if you want to live the single life, stay single. And if you choose to make the commitment to be with one person and one person only, honor that commitment and show others that are true to their marriages a little respect.

30 Days of Me -Day 23 *10-16-10*

Day 23: A YouTube video


Freakin' love keyboard cat. lol.