Hello, friends!
It's a lovely morning here, although this mama is exhausted. Long night with the baby..but now he's napping and Xander is enthralled in Curious George, so I'm hoping I have some time to give this blog my undivided attention.
My plan from here on out is to post at least once a week, usually in coordination with my weekly Bible study. But because I just recently decided to share this with the blog world, I need to play a little bit of catch up. My next Bible study is in two days, and I'm hoping I can do 2-3 posts before then basically going over the important things I've learned so far.
I'm entitling today's post "Die to Live". It's my first post because I believe it's the most important step in following God, and arguably the most difficult. This isn't necessarily just a study concept, although we did touch on it at one of my first Bible studies. It's more of an ongoing lesson, a backdrop for everything else.
Think of it like this (this idea borrowed from a lady at church):
As we enter into Spring, we see new life being brought to all things. All the plants that are beginning to thrive..all the flowers that are beginning to bloom..we know this is only possible because of the death and decay these same plants experienced in the previous Fall and Winter. The beginning of new life and new things is beautiful..something we all like to admire. But the decay that takes place in the previous months has it's own kind of beauty as well, shown in the rustic colors of the fall leaves.
We see the transformation in animals..a caterpillar must become a butterfly. Predator must eat pray in order to live and thrive. One thing must die so another can live.
Why should we believe that we are the only creation of God's that is exempt from this process?
Luke 9:23-26 says this: "Then he said to them all 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory of the Father and the Holy angels.
Now, upon reading this, I think most people (myself included) have a huh? reaction at first. But when we really sit and think about it, we realize that Jesus is saying here that if we are willing to sacrifice our lives to live for him, then we will have a life with him eternally. However, if we choose not to live our lives for him, we will not have that.
First, we must ask ourselves "What is my life?" It seems like an easy enough question, but really, it's not. Luke 9 says we must deny ourselves and take up our crosses daily and follow him. What does that mean?
For me, my life is my kids, my husband, my family, and friends. But my life is also other, less important, and perhaps shameful, things. My life is TV, the internet, and my cell phone. My life is food. My life is cussing, making fun of people, being lazy, etc. My life is getting frustrated, saying things I don't mean, avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable. My life is selfish, arrogant, and prideful.
Some of those things are good..some of them are bad. Some can be both.
When the kids are screaming and my husband is in a bad mood and I think I'm at my wits end, my initial reaction is to get snappy..possibly yell at the kids or make a snide comment to my husband. In this situation, I need to deny myself, deny those feelings. Take a minute to breathe, and follow him. I need to ask God to bring me comfort, instead of looking for that comfort in releasing my anger, or eating, or neglecting my kids' or husband's needs in order to focus on my own. (And ladies, I'm not saying God doesn't want you to have "me time" or ever focus on yourself..that's another post all together, but God loves you..and he wants you to be taken care of too.)
When I'm not having a great day..maybe I'm tired, maybe I'm in a bad mood, overwhelmed, etc. and someone calls me asking me to do them a favor..my initial reaction would be to make some excuse for not being able to so I can get out of it. But Jesus asks me to deny myself. To give unto others.
On a deeper level, and perhaps maybe veering away from "mom problems"..maybe you're going through a time in your life when you feel unwanted. Maybe you seek sexual attention from others to boost your self-esteem. Jesus asks to deny yourself..deny those feelings, take up your cross, and follow him. Your cross is something that might be difficult for you to bear. Maybe it's difficult not to give into sexual temptation..or to find comfort in wracking up your credit card debt on some "retail therapy". Maybe it's difficult to discipline your children the way you know you should, because (let's face it) sometimes it's just a lot easier on us if we just let them get their way. But taking up our cross is not only giving ourselves daily time with God and his word, but denying ourselves of the easy route..or our initial feelings, in order to do what God would want us to do.
Sometimes it's hard to sacrifice our lives. We get caught up in the daily grind. Our minds are focused on our spouse, our kids, our job, our friends, TV shows and social networking. We forget about God. Sometimes losing our lives means being the outcast. Your friends sleep around. Your friends go out and get drunk to the point of not being able to control their actions. Your friends don't think it's a big deal to hurt someone else, or to not hold up their obligations because they don't feel like doing them.
We get so sucked in to fitting in and worried about what others think that we stop caring what God thinks.
Denying ourselves & losing our lives means not just believing in God, but making every effort for him..to love him, love others, and rid ourselves of sin (not entirely..no one is perfect but Jesus himself. God expects us to sin but we should make every effort not to).
So what is sin? Of course we all know to follow the ten commandments, but following God is more than that.
Mark 7:20-23 says "He went on. 'What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person's heart, that evil thoughts come--sexual immortality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.'"
Reading that verse was very difficult for me because it really made me examine who I am on the inside. I realized I need more work than I thought.
So, how can we keep from sinning? We have to first recognize our own sins. I know I struggle with being selfish & deceitful. I have to deny myself of these things and follow God. I have to do what He asks of me, which is to love him & others above myself, even if it's difficult.
It's hard because being selfish, arrogant, deceitful, sexually immoral, etc..those things are the norm in this world and are unfortunately, often what it takes to get ahead. But as Luke 9 stated, what good is it for us to gain the world if we lose our very selves? How far would we go to get "ahead"? To get that promotion, to make others like us, to get revenge? Is it worth sacrificing our very selves? Whether we live like it or not, we're children of God. That's who we are and we belong in Heaven with him. Our life here is short compared to eternity. Is it worth taking the easy road?
For Jesus said if we lose our lives for him, we will in fact gain life in him..but if we are concerned about saving our lives as we know them, we will eventually lose them. He can give us the gift of eternal life, but only if we follow him.
1 John 2:15-16 states "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever."
So, is it easy to deny ourselves? Of course not. As I said in the beginning of this *extremely long* post, it's the hardest part of following God. It's not easy, and it's not even 100% doable. We will all make mistakes. I'm pretty new to this way of living and I'm finding more and more things to deny each day (lol), and admittedly, I don't always deny them like I should. I don't always get quiet time to read my Bible, talk to God, and take up my cross daily. I am making effort..now I'm working on making every effort. Nothing comes easy, but the reward is eternal life. It's hard to keep our eyes on the prize, but if we do, we realize that promise from God is worth the sacrifice.
I hope my readers take away something special from this post..and anyone has questions feel free to ask..or comment in the comment section.
Have a great day and be blessed!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The X Files: Part 1
It's funny how kids see things so much differently than we do. The difficult things are so simple to them, yet the simple things are so difficult.
When my son asks to do things that he isn't allowed or capable of doing, we simply tell him "You're too young." It seems like an easy enough answer, without much explanation needed (yet). Well, a few days ago, I was cleaning up the house (which, as we all know is a never-ending project). I've been trying to encourage him to do his share, so while singing the Cleanup Song, I prompted him to pick up his puzzle pieces and put them back in the box. With a stern face, he looked at me and said "No, Mommy do it." When I asked him why he couldn't do it, he answered "I'm too young."
Yesterday, my husband was lounging on the couch in a pair of shorts and no shirt. Xander walked up to him and pointed at his left nipple. We could see the look of "what is that" on his face, so I said to him "That's Daddy's nipples; everyone has them." Of course, he immediately wanted to check to see if he, indeed, had them. Then he looked back at Robert's and said "Ohh..nipples big. Too much nipples." LOL
Today after church, he was ready to get home and get some lunch. I had packed Archer up in the car and was buckling Xander in as he kept repeating "Go home. Go home. Go home." Finally, I'd had enough and said "We are going home..Hold your horses." He then replied "Horses are gone." And when I asked him where his horses were..he said "Home." I should have known. LOL
When my son asks to do things that he isn't allowed or capable of doing, we simply tell him "You're too young." It seems like an easy enough answer, without much explanation needed (yet). Well, a few days ago, I was cleaning up the house (which, as we all know is a never-ending project). I've been trying to encourage him to do his share, so while singing the Cleanup Song, I prompted him to pick up his puzzle pieces and put them back in the box. With a stern face, he looked at me and said "No, Mommy do it." When I asked him why he couldn't do it, he answered "I'm too young."
Yesterday, my husband was lounging on the couch in a pair of shorts and no shirt. Xander walked up to him and pointed at his left nipple. We could see the look of "what is that" on his face, so I said to him "That's Daddy's nipples; everyone has them." Of course, he immediately wanted to check to see if he, indeed, had them. Then he looked back at Robert's and said "Ohh..nipples big. Too much nipples." LOL
Today after church, he was ready to get home and get some lunch. I had packed Archer up in the car and was buckling Xander in as he kept repeating "Go home. Go home. Go home." Finally, I'd had enough and said "We are going home..Hold your horses." He then replied "Horses are gone." And when I asked him where his horses were..he said "Home." I should have known. LOL
Friday, March 23, 2012
New Bloggy Stuff
Hello all! Hope this blog post finds you in good spirits. =)
I've been pretty busy lately and haven't had much time to update the ol' bloggy-blog..but, a short & sweet update is as follows:
My little (big) man is going to be 3 in just a few short months! Can't believe it. He's so smart..knows almost all his colors, can count to 6, can recognize a few letters (and even draw a couple!) and can pick out the shape of a circle and draw it. He's talking up a storm and getting even more hilarious day by day.
My littler dude is now 6 months old. So crazy. Rolling is old news. He's now sitting up like a big dude, crawling all over the place, and just pulled himself up to stand today! He's such a little sweet heart and full of smiles and kisses.
Robert and I recently celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Things with us are going great..our only complaint is not seeing each other as much as we'd like because of his hectic work schedule.
My mom is moving here in a little over a week and we're all so excited!! It's going to be so nice to have her here because, well..I miss my mama! Not to mention, I'll have some help with the kids and some adult company during the times Robert is gone..and hubby and I might even be able to sneak in a date night every now and then.
I'm even thinking about going to work part time once she gets down here and settled in.
All good things.
Now, onto another update, and more of what this entry is about:
I've recently started getting back into church a lot and really trying to better my relationship with God. I met a really sweet girl here in our housing community who invited us to church, and things have just been going great since then. We've become really close friends, and after going to church a few times I've begun studying the Bible with her and a few other ladies from church.
It's funny bc I've called myself a Christian my whole life, and it's true, I have believed in God..but never once read the Bible. Sure, snip-its here and there, but until I started doing Bible studies I had never completed one entire book of the Bible..and now in doing so, I'm learning so much about things that I just never understood before. A lot of the questions and doubts have been cleared, just by reading the answers and His promise to us. I've also always thought that being a Christian just meant believing in God..but by reading the Bible I've realized that Jesus calls us to do/be so much more than that. Being a Christian is not only believing but following. So many scriptures have moved me and convicted me. I realize that a lot of the time I've molded God's word to fit my life rather than molding my life to fit God's word.
I've always thought I was a good person..but studying about sin has proven to me that I am truly not. Sure, I am outwardly good, but the sins of the heart are what makes us unclean and I have many. I'm struggling, and working on asking for forgiveness as well as forgiving myself..and changing as a person. I realize that I'm incredibly selfish..with my husband, with my kids, with my friends and family. I don't usually act on it..but sometimes I do. By ignoring or neglecting the kids needs for a few minutes while I cruise the internet or try to catch a few more minutes of sleep..by wishing that my brother stay here rather than move where ever a job might take him, because I want him here. I realize I'm arrogant..I *believe* I have been a good person. I believe I deserve certain things. Most of my humor is sarcastic, which isn't bad unless it's hurting someone..but often times it is directed at someone else's flaws. It's funny to laugh and carry on at someone who my friends and I deem "psycho" or "pathetic"..not out of the blue, by any means, but even if this person/people have done wrong to us or our friends and made our lives more difficult, does Jesus not say to turn the other cheek? Love your enemies? He says his biggest order in following him is to love one another..love each other as he has loved us. Now all these things are HARD to change..it's not going to happen overnight..and there will still be times when they come up. But I believe I need to try. Because basically, it's black and white. With God there is no gray area. Follow him..or don't. And I'm beginning to see and understand what following him really means..and it's scary, and overwhelming. But I believe that it has to be done. I'm finding that it's a huge challenge because I'm worried (sometimes to the point of tears) that the ppl I love (including my husband) may not like these changes. A lot of times when you don't give yourself to sinful behavior people think you're being uppity, judgmental, etc. It's not that..I'm going to love my friends, family & husband regardless, but will they love me? But Jesus says not to worry..for worry won't bring another day. I just have to live for Him each day & pray that instead of pushing others away, they choose to truly follow him too. I'm not saying I'm a super Christian as is..I've got a long way to go. This is the beginning of a long journey. Jesus says that if you are not hated by the world, you are not loved by God..bc ppl who are of the world are accepted by the world but ppl who are of Him are not. He also says to follow Him we must deny ourselves..to bear our cross daily..for he who wants to save his life will lose it, but he who is willing to lose his life will save it. Those things are inspiring me to truck on..I think I'll be the same Robin, just hopefully a new & improved version. That being said, I'm excited to share all I'm learning & feeling.
I've decided that I will share what I'm learning and feeling right here, in this blog. I do one Bible Study a week and I believe I'll add a weekly installment to this blog, discussing what the Bible study was about and what I took from it. I think it will help me to really be in touch with what I'm feeling, and hopefully, it will help others as well. I know many people don't want to hear about religion or God, and that's fine, but some do. And if you're one that does, stay tuned. =)
On an unrelated note, I also think I'll be adding a weekly installment of something I like to call "The X Files"..life through the eyes of my two-year-old. The things he does sometimes amaze me, and other times frustrate me, and more often than not crack me up. So, I thought it would be a fun little thing to share some of his quirky moments.
Well, there you have it..look forward to the first installments of The X Files and My Journey as a Disciple coming this week!
I've been pretty busy lately and haven't had much time to update the ol' bloggy-blog..but, a short & sweet update is as follows:
My little (big) man is going to be 3 in just a few short months! Can't believe it. He's so smart..knows almost all his colors, can count to 6, can recognize a few letters (and even draw a couple!) and can pick out the shape of a circle and draw it. He's talking up a storm and getting even more hilarious day by day.
My littler dude is now 6 months old. So crazy. Rolling is old news. He's now sitting up like a big dude, crawling all over the place, and just pulled himself up to stand today! He's such a little sweet heart and full of smiles and kisses.
Robert and I recently celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Things with us are going great..our only complaint is not seeing each other as much as we'd like because of his hectic work schedule.
My mom is moving here in a little over a week and we're all so excited!! It's going to be so nice to have her here because, well..I miss my mama! Not to mention, I'll have some help with the kids and some adult company during the times Robert is gone..and hubby and I might even be able to sneak in a date night every now and then.
I'm even thinking about going to work part time once she gets down here and settled in.
All good things.
Now, onto another update, and more of what this entry is about:
I've recently started getting back into church a lot and really trying to better my relationship with God. I met a really sweet girl here in our housing community who invited us to church, and things have just been going great since then. We've become really close friends, and after going to church a few times I've begun studying the Bible with her and a few other ladies from church.
It's funny bc I've called myself a Christian my whole life, and it's true, I have believed in God..but never once read the Bible. Sure, snip-its here and there, but until I started doing Bible studies I had never completed one entire book of the Bible..and now in doing so, I'm learning so much about things that I just never understood before. A lot of the questions and doubts have been cleared, just by reading the answers and His promise to us. I've also always thought that being a Christian just meant believing in God..but by reading the Bible I've realized that Jesus calls us to do/be so much more than that. Being a Christian is not only believing but following. So many scriptures have moved me and convicted me. I realize that a lot of the time I've molded God's word to fit my life rather than molding my life to fit God's word.
I've always thought I was a good person..but studying about sin has proven to me that I am truly not. Sure, I am outwardly good, but the sins of the heart are what makes us unclean and I have many. I'm struggling, and working on asking for forgiveness as well as forgiving myself..and changing as a person. I realize that I'm incredibly selfish..with my husband, with my kids, with my friends and family. I don't usually act on it..but sometimes I do. By ignoring or neglecting the kids needs for a few minutes while I cruise the internet or try to catch a few more minutes of sleep..by wishing that my brother stay here rather than move where ever a job might take him, because I want him here. I realize I'm arrogant..I *believe* I have been a good person. I believe I deserve certain things. Most of my humor is sarcastic, which isn't bad unless it's hurting someone..but often times it is directed at someone else's flaws. It's funny to laugh and carry on at someone who my friends and I deem "psycho" or "pathetic"..not out of the blue, by any means, but even if this person/people have done wrong to us or our friends and made our lives more difficult, does Jesus not say to turn the other cheek? Love your enemies? He says his biggest order in following him is to love one another..love each other as he has loved us. Now all these things are HARD to change..it's not going to happen overnight..and there will still be times when they come up. But I believe I need to try. Because basically, it's black and white. With God there is no gray area. Follow him..or don't. And I'm beginning to see and understand what following him really means..and it's scary, and overwhelming. But I believe that it has to be done. I'm finding that it's a huge challenge because I'm worried (sometimes to the point of tears) that the ppl I love (including my husband) may not like these changes. A lot of times when you don't give yourself to sinful behavior people think you're being uppity, judgmental, etc. It's not that..I'm going to love my friends, family & husband regardless, but will they love me? But Jesus says not to worry..for worry won't bring another day. I just have to live for Him each day & pray that instead of pushing others away, they choose to truly follow him too. I'm not saying I'm a super Christian as is..I've got a long way to go. This is the beginning of a long journey. Jesus says that if you are not hated by the world, you are not loved by God..bc ppl who are of the world are accepted by the world but ppl who are of Him are not. He also says to follow Him we must deny ourselves..to bear our cross daily..for he who wants to save his life will lose it, but he who is willing to lose his life will save it. Those things are inspiring me to truck on..I think I'll be the same Robin, just hopefully a new & improved version. That being said, I'm excited to share all I'm learning & feeling.
I've decided that I will share what I'm learning and feeling right here, in this blog. I do one Bible Study a week and I believe I'll add a weekly installment to this blog, discussing what the Bible study was about and what I took from it. I think it will help me to really be in touch with what I'm feeling, and hopefully, it will help others as well. I know many people don't want to hear about religion or God, and that's fine, but some do. And if you're one that does, stay tuned. =)
On an unrelated note, I also think I'll be adding a weekly installment of something I like to call "The X Files"..life through the eyes of my two-year-old. The things he does sometimes amaze me, and other times frustrate me, and more often than not crack me up. So, I thought it would be a fun little thing to share some of his quirky moments.
Well, there you have it..look forward to the first installments of The X Files and My Journey as a Disciple coming this week!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
New Beginnings..
Happy New Year, everyone!!
I hope the first week of 2012 has greeted you all with blessings. It's hard to believe that another year has gone by, and of course 2011 had it's fair share of events for us. A quick run down: We found out we were expecting on New Years Eve of 2010: what a great way to ring in a new year. January brought Robert's second deployment & our move home to Ohio. March brought our 3rd wedding anniversary & my graduation with my AA degree in Psych. In April, we found out we were having another son. In June, our precious Goober turned two. July brought us back from Ohio and into a new apartment in VA & I welcomed my love back home. In September, I brought a beautiful baby boy into this world and our family went from 3 to 4. In October I turned 24. In November, a loved one went to meet the Lord; my mom's boyfriend passed away. December came..and we got to spend Christmas with our families for the first time in three years.
What a whirlwind..mostly wonderful..partly sad, definitely trying. But we've made it to 2012. And this year, well the world is supposed to end, right? Lol. So I guess we better make it a good one.
Resolutions. Most everyone makes them, but very little people keep them. This year I've made six. And they aren't my typical "lose weight" kind of resolutions..(although, yes, that is one) lol. But this year, I want to make some important changes, not just set goals I'm not really sure I can or even really want to meet.
1. Get Closer.
To everyone. I want to make my relationship with God better. I want to make church a priority, pray more often, talk about God with friends and family. I want to make Him a bigger part of my life. I want to get closer with my husband & my boys. I want to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend. I'm not saying I'm a bad one now. But I could make more of an effort in every relationship.
2. Get Healthier.
I don't want to say "lose ___ pounds by ___". Because honestly, how often does that work? I don't want to set myself up for failure. I'd love to lose some weight. But right now, focusing on myself is pretty difficult. I can't make that commitment. But I can commitment to try to make better decisions and try to become more active. I want to cut down on fast food..meal plan & cook healthier at home. Model good eating habits for my boys. Spend more time outside. Chase after Xander. Take more walks. And choose working out in my spare hour rather than catching up on Teen Mom.
3. Unplug.
Spend more time away from the things that distract me. Nothing wrong with catching up on Plurk or Facebook. Nothing wrong with blogging (obviously lol). But sometimes, I feel I get sucked in. I start to cruise the web for a few minutes and a few minutes turns into an hour. That hour could be spent much more productively.
4. Be More Financially Savvy
I want to not only make ends meet, but to save as well. I want to coupon more..to meal plan..to make a budget & stick with it. I want to pay off some debt..and make cuts where possible. At the end of 2012, I want to look back and know where our money went and be content with it.
5. Be Creative
I don't have a lot of time to do extras..but I really want to start when I can. I want to be more organized. I want to be more crafty. I want to spend time on my scrapbooking & my writing. If I can just cut out a couple hours a week to do these things, I feel like I can get things around here in better shape while at the same time, exercising my brain & focusing on things that I really love.
6. Live In The Now
I want to be more appreciative for the things I have right this moment. I want to quit beating myself up because I'm not living up to some silent standard I set for myself at 16. I'm beyond blessed & beyond happy with my life. At 24, I have all the things that I've always said were the most important things in life. I'm 24..and already there. So why be upset about anything? Sometimes I get so down on myself. I compare myself to others, and I find myself being jealous. I find myself being jealous of even my own husband. I think He gets to have it all. Our happy family AND a career. The ability to further his education whenever, where ever, and however he pleases. Don't get me wrong, I am MORE than happy that he takes care of us & that he goes out and works so that I don't have to. But sometimes I feel like I'm in a competition that I'm losing. I'm the person who, in high school, had so much potential. I was supposed to go to OSU and get not only my Bachelor's, but my Master's and possibly my PhD. By now, I should be beginning a great career. And when I made those plans, I always knew that first and foremost I wanted to be a wife & a mother. And I also knew that choosing one meant holding off on the other. I made my choice and I wouldn't change it for the world. But, I often feel like I've let people down, including myself. So maybe I haven't worked in three years. Maybe I only have my Associate's degree. Maybe I got that degree online..and maybe the school I got it from is a joke to some people. But, I do work hard every day. I do have a purpose. I do have a degree that I worked my butt of for. And no matter what others may think about where/how I got that degree, I know it wasn't a breeze. I know that degree means something. And it's a step toward the education I want.
I may not have the education or career I thought I would at this point. I may be just a stay-at-home mom. But I have the best gifts..love from my husband and two precious boys. Gifts that will last a lifetime. Gifts people would die for. When my kids are bigger, and I'm back to work, I'm going to wish they were little and I was back home with them. So I'm resolving to quit living in the past or the future..and start living completely in the now. One day I'll have that degree and that good-paying job, and when I do, my most important purpose will still be being everything & anything my family needs me to be.
And there you have it. My resolutions for 2012. I hope that when the door to 2013 opens, I can look back on 2012 and know that I made it the best it could be..I can close that door and walk into 2013 with my head held high and a smile on my face. And isn't that what it's really all about? Resolutions or not, make it a good one!
I hope the first week of 2012 has greeted you all with blessings. It's hard to believe that another year has gone by, and of course 2011 had it's fair share of events for us. A quick run down: We found out we were expecting on New Years Eve of 2010: what a great way to ring in a new year. January brought Robert's second deployment & our move home to Ohio. March brought our 3rd wedding anniversary & my graduation with my AA degree in Psych. In April, we found out we were having another son. In June, our precious Goober turned two. July brought us back from Ohio and into a new apartment in VA & I welcomed my love back home. In September, I brought a beautiful baby boy into this world and our family went from 3 to 4. In October I turned 24. In November, a loved one went to meet the Lord; my mom's boyfriend passed away. December came..and we got to spend Christmas with our families for the first time in three years.
What a whirlwind..mostly wonderful..partly sad, definitely trying. But we've made it to 2012. And this year, well the world is supposed to end, right? Lol. So I guess we better make it a good one.
Resolutions. Most everyone makes them, but very little people keep them. This year I've made six. And they aren't my typical "lose weight" kind of resolutions..(although, yes, that is one) lol. But this year, I want to make some important changes, not just set goals I'm not really sure I can or even really want to meet.
1. Get Closer.
To everyone. I want to make my relationship with God better. I want to make church a priority, pray more often, talk about God with friends and family. I want to make Him a bigger part of my life. I want to get closer with my husband & my boys. I want to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend. I'm not saying I'm a bad one now. But I could make more of an effort in every relationship.
2. Get Healthier.
I don't want to say "lose ___ pounds by ___". Because honestly, how often does that work? I don't want to set myself up for failure. I'd love to lose some weight. But right now, focusing on myself is pretty difficult. I can't make that commitment. But I can commitment to try to make better decisions and try to become more active. I want to cut down on fast food..meal plan & cook healthier at home. Model good eating habits for my boys. Spend more time outside. Chase after Xander. Take more walks. And choose working out in my spare hour rather than catching up on Teen Mom.
3. Unplug.
Spend more time away from the things that distract me. Nothing wrong with catching up on Plurk or Facebook. Nothing wrong with blogging (obviously lol). But sometimes, I feel I get sucked in. I start to cruise the web for a few minutes and a few minutes turns into an hour. That hour could be spent much more productively.
4. Be More Financially Savvy
I want to not only make ends meet, but to save as well. I want to coupon more..to meal plan..to make a budget & stick with it. I want to pay off some debt..and make cuts where possible. At the end of 2012, I want to look back and know where our money went and be content with it.
5. Be Creative
I don't have a lot of time to do extras..but I really want to start when I can. I want to be more organized. I want to be more crafty. I want to spend time on my scrapbooking & my writing. If I can just cut out a couple hours a week to do these things, I feel like I can get things around here in better shape while at the same time, exercising my brain & focusing on things that I really love.
6. Live In The Now
I want to be more appreciative for the things I have right this moment. I want to quit beating myself up because I'm not living up to some silent standard I set for myself at 16. I'm beyond blessed & beyond happy with my life. At 24, I have all the things that I've always said were the most important things in life. I'm 24..and already there. So why be upset about anything? Sometimes I get so down on myself. I compare myself to others, and I find myself being jealous. I find myself being jealous of even my own husband. I think He gets to have it all. Our happy family AND a career. The ability to further his education whenever, where ever, and however he pleases. Don't get me wrong, I am MORE than happy that he takes care of us & that he goes out and works so that I don't have to. But sometimes I feel like I'm in a competition that I'm losing. I'm the person who, in high school, had so much potential. I was supposed to go to OSU and get not only my Bachelor's, but my Master's and possibly my PhD. By now, I should be beginning a great career. And when I made those plans, I always knew that first and foremost I wanted to be a wife & a mother. And I also knew that choosing one meant holding off on the other. I made my choice and I wouldn't change it for the world. But, I often feel like I've let people down, including myself. So maybe I haven't worked in three years. Maybe I only have my Associate's degree. Maybe I got that degree online..and maybe the school I got it from is a joke to some people. But, I do work hard every day. I do have a purpose. I do have a degree that I worked my butt of for. And no matter what others may think about where/how I got that degree, I know it wasn't a breeze. I know that degree means something. And it's a step toward the education I want.
I may not have the education or career I thought I would at this point. I may be just a stay-at-home mom. But I have the best gifts..love from my husband and two precious boys. Gifts that will last a lifetime. Gifts people would die for. When my kids are bigger, and I'm back to work, I'm going to wish they were little and I was back home with them. So I'm resolving to quit living in the past or the future..and start living completely in the now. One day I'll have that degree and that good-paying job, and when I do, my most important purpose will still be being everything & anything my family needs me to be.
And there you have it. My resolutions for 2012. I hope that when the door to 2013 opens, I can look back on 2012 and know that I made it the best it could be..I can close that door and walk into 2013 with my head held high and a smile on my face. And isn't that what it's really all about? Resolutions or not, make it a good one!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Archer's Birth Story
On Wednesday the 7th had my 39 week appointment at 39 weeks 3 days. I knew we'd be talking about an induction because we had talked about it at my last appointment but I didn't want to make any decisions at that time. She told me I was 3-4cm and that she thought induction would be successful, so I decided to go ahead and schedule it. *they predicted him to be 8lbs at 37 weeks so we didn't want to wait too long*
I went to the scheduler and she said on the order it said the doc wanted it to be before my EDD, which was Sunday the 11th, which only gave her two days. I told her early next week was fine by me too. So she looked and said Friday was booked, if Thursday was too we'd look at Monday. So after calling the hospital, she hung up and said "Okay, be there tomorrow morning at 6am" I was kind of in shock that it was going to be so soon! Especially because Robert had his advancement exam at 7am Thurs morning and couldn't miss it. So, we made our phone calls and my mom started heading this way. We figured we'd just hope for the best as far as his test was concerned.
Thursday morning I called the hospital at 5:30 to make sure that 6am was still a good time. They told me to come in at 7:30.
My mom and I arrived right around 7:30 and they had me wait for a room, took me back, got me set up, etc.
The next few hours were very uneventful. The nurse knew I needed to start on antibiotics bc I was GSB+ but my doctor wasn't there yet so she didn't know when the doc wanted me to start on them. Finally my doc arrived around 10 (Robert had just arrived as well)..they started me on my first dose of penicillin at 10:30 and said they'd be back in 2 hours to start the pitocin.
In the meantime, I started contracting on my own. Contractions were coming every 2-5 minutes and registering anywhere from 60-115. Around 1 she came in and started my pitocin. After cranking it up a couple times the contractions started coming more regularly and intensifying. They were coming every 1-3 minutes and registering 150-200. We discussed pain options but I wasn't ready for anything just yet.
At 3pm they gave me my other dose of penicilin. The nurse said the doc would be in to check me and break my water in an hour or two. So, we waited. I laid down on my side to try and rest but I couldn't get comfortable.
At 5 my doc came in and checked me. I was 4cm and 80% effaced. Archer's head was at a +2. I was so discouraged. I hadn't really progressed since the day before, even with my regular contractions on my own and the pitocin. She went ahead and broke my water..
and that's when the fun began.
Immediately my contractions got so much stronger. They were only registering in the 40s and 50s but they were very very painful. I was breathing through them and trying to stay focused. It took me 5 hours to have Xander after they broke my water. I figured I was in for a long wait and wanted to hold out on meds. But after about 15 minutes, I decided to call my nurse in. I asked for the IV meds to see if that would take the edge off enough. She told me she'd order them but wanted to check me again first. I was 5.5cm. I had progressed 1.5cm in just 15 minutes. So she started the IV meds but also told me that they would have to be stopped once I reached 8cm because they would make Archer drowsy. I was worried that if I did want the epi, because I was progressing kind of fast I might not have time to order it. So I went ahead and called for it. He was there to administer it within a few minutes. By 5:30 I was getting the epi. While sitting up waiting for it to be done, I started feeling a lot of pressure. By the time he was done, I told my nurse I felt like Archer was really low. She said she'd check me and I was 8cm. Before she could even walk away I said "No, he's like reeeeally low. I'm ready." She put her hand right back in and I was 10cm. Immediately I felt like I needed to push.
She then told Robert to press the nurse call button..and when they responded she called for my doc and a birth kit. The whole time I was screaming that I had to push. I kept saying I couldn't hold it. I was trying, but my body was bearing down on its own. I kept saying "he's coming out now. He's coming out!"
They wanted to wait to get everything prepped and get the NICU nurse ready bc there was meconium in my water..but he was ready and so was I.
When the doc came in I said "I need to push NOW" and she looked scared. I heard her say that she wasn't picking up a heartbeat on the monitor. They tried to find it and couldn't..meanwhile they let me push once and still, nothing. The doc came up beside me, looked me straight in the face and told me I had a decision to make. She said "We can't detect a heartbeat and we either need to reposition you and try to figure this out, or you need to get him out right now." I said "NOW" and I pushed once, his head came out and then they told me to get a breath..I did, pushed again and there he was.
He was purple..and silent. We all waited. He was moving, but not making a sound. They suctioned him out, still nothing. My mom, Robert, and I were all just waiting. I started to cry and said "he needs to cry..he needs to cry". The doc cut the cord and moved him to the table (which she apologized to Robert about later and said she was in a hurry lol)..they tried stirring him up and finally, there it was. His beautiful cry. I had a minimal tear and they stitched me, then I finally got to hold him.
It was funny because right at the moment that they handed him to me, my legs started to numb. My epi was just then kicking in. I told the doc and she laughed..she said "honey, that was all you. You did wonderful and did exactly what I needed you to do." I felt like superwoman.
The numbness went away quickly bc they hadn't even had time to put in the drip before I pushed. I felt really great right after delivery. Archer was doing great, I was feeling awesome..like a natural high. I could tell Robert and my mom were so proud.
Archer Reichen arrived into the world Sept 8th, 2011 at 6:02pm, weighing 8lbs 1oz (so not as big as they thought he'd be) and 20.5in. Funny side note: Xander was 8lbs 2oz and 20.5 inches. lol.
We're all doing great! I couldn't have asked for a better delivery, honestly. Totally different experience than I had with Xander. It really is true that it's different every time.
Here are a few pics:
I went to the scheduler and she said on the order it said the doc wanted it to be before my EDD, which was Sunday the 11th, which only gave her two days. I told her early next week was fine by me too. So she looked and said Friday was booked, if Thursday was too we'd look at Monday. So after calling the hospital, she hung up and said "Okay, be there tomorrow morning at 6am" I was kind of in shock that it was going to be so soon! Especially because Robert had his advancement exam at 7am Thurs morning and couldn't miss it. So, we made our phone calls and my mom started heading this way. We figured we'd just hope for the best as far as his test was concerned.
Thursday morning I called the hospital at 5:30 to make sure that 6am was still a good time. They told me to come in at 7:30.
My mom and I arrived right around 7:30 and they had me wait for a room, took me back, got me set up, etc.
The next few hours were very uneventful. The nurse knew I needed to start on antibiotics bc I was GSB+ but my doctor wasn't there yet so she didn't know when the doc wanted me to start on them. Finally my doc arrived around 10 (Robert had just arrived as well)..they started me on my first dose of penicillin at 10:30 and said they'd be back in 2 hours to start the pitocin.
In the meantime, I started contracting on my own. Contractions were coming every 2-5 minutes and registering anywhere from 60-115. Around 1 she came in and started my pitocin. After cranking it up a couple times the contractions started coming more regularly and intensifying. They were coming every 1-3 minutes and registering 150-200. We discussed pain options but I wasn't ready for anything just yet.
At 3pm they gave me my other dose of penicilin. The nurse said the doc would be in to check me and break my water in an hour or two. So, we waited. I laid down on my side to try and rest but I couldn't get comfortable.
At 5 my doc came in and checked me. I was 4cm and 80% effaced. Archer's head was at a +2. I was so discouraged. I hadn't really progressed since the day before, even with my regular contractions on my own and the pitocin. She went ahead and broke my water..
and that's when the fun began.
Immediately my contractions got so much stronger. They were only registering in the 40s and 50s but they were very very painful. I was breathing through them and trying to stay focused. It took me 5 hours to have Xander after they broke my water. I figured I was in for a long wait and wanted to hold out on meds. But after about 15 minutes, I decided to call my nurse in. I asked for the IV meds to see if that would take the edge off enough. She told me she'd order them but wanted to check me again first. I was 5.5cm. I had progressed 1.5cm in just 15 minutes. So she started the IV meds but also told me that they would have to be stopped once I reached 8cm because they would make Archer drowsy. I was worried that if I did want the epi, because I was progressing kind of fast I might not have time to order it. So I went ahead and called for it. He was there to administer it within a few minutes. By 5:30 I was getting the epi. While sitting up waiting for it to be done, I started feeling a lot of pressure. By the time he was done, I told my nurse I felt like Archer was really low. She said she'd check me and I was 8cm. Before she could even walk away I said "No, he's like reeeeally low. I'm ready." She put her hand right back in and I was 10cm. Immediately I felt like I needed to push.
She then told Robert to press the nurse call button..and when they responded she called for my doc and a birth kit. The whole time I was screaming that I had to push. I kept saying I couldn't hold it. I was trying, but my body was bearing down on its own. I kept saying "he's coming out now. He's coming out!"
They wanted to wait to get everything prepped and get the NICU nurse ready bc there was meconium in my water..but he was ready and so was I.
When the doc came in I said "I need to push NOW" and she looked scared. I heard her say that she wasn't picking up a heartbeat on the monitor. They tried to find it and couldn't..meanwhile they let me push once and still, nothing. The doc came up beside me, looked me straight in the face and told me I had a decision to make. She said "We can't detect a heartbeat and we either need to reposition you and try to figure this out, or you need to get him out right now." I said "NOW" and I pushed once, his head came out and then they told me to get a breath..I did, pushed again and there he was.
He was purple..and silent. We all waited. He was moving, but not making a sound. They suctioned him out, still nothing. My mom, Robert, and I were all just waiting. I started to cry and said "he needs to cry..he needs to cry". The doc cut the cord and moved him to the table (which she apologized to Robert about later and said she was in a hurry lol)..they tried stirring him up and finally, there it was. His beautiful cry. I had a minimal tear and they stitched me, then I finally got to hold him.
It was funny because right at the moment that they handed him to me, my legs started to numb. My epi was just then kicking in. I told the doc and she laughed..she said "honey, that was all you. You did wonderful and did exactly what I needed you to do." I felt like superwoman.
The numbness went away quickly bc they hadn't even had time to put in the drip before I pushed. I felt really great right after delivery. Archer was doing great, I was feeling awesome..like a natural high. I could tell Robert and my mom were so proud.
Archer Reichen arrived into the world Sept 8th, 2011 at 6:02pm, weighing 8lbs 1oz (so not as big as they thought he'd be) and 20.5in. Funny side note: Xander was 8lbs 2oz and 20.5 inches. lol.
We're all doing great! I couldn't have asked for a better delivery, honestly. Totally different experience than I had with Xander. It really is true that it's different every time.
Here are a few pics:
One week old:
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Any day now..
I could have a baby!
Tomorrow I will be 39 weeks pregnant.
Every day is such a crazy mix of emotions for me. I thought after going through this once, I would be accustomed to the feelings that come with it. But, I guess it doesn't get any less exciting or nerve-wracking each time.
This time is a little different, though. Now I already have one baby (yes, he's 27 months old today but he's still my baby). It feels bitter-sweet. I'm so excited to have Archer here. However, a small part of me is sad that Xander isn't going to be the baby anymore. His days of getting every little morsel of my attention are over. Now my love and time must be split, or better yet, multiplied.
Some days I find myself being so impatient. I envision my water breaking every time I stand up. I analyze every little cramp and contraction. I want so badly for this to be "it".
On the other hand, I'm so completely nervous! I'm nervous about the labor and delivery process itself, which completely surprises me because I thought I'd be in a "been there, done that" state of mind. It's the opposite! I feel more nervous and scared because this time I know what to expect. I've felt that pain before and it's not fun. Worth it? 1000 times over. But no where near pleasant.
I have all these fears and questions.
What if he comes late like Xander? What if I don't progress on my own like I should? I really don't want pitocin again. What if the epidural fails again? Should I even get an epidural or should I just try to tough it out? How much did the epidural work for me last time? I think I felt most of the pain but what if it covered up more than I realize and I choose to go without it this time and realize I can't do it?
Then there are the concerns about his size. He was predicted to be 8lbs at 37 weeks. My doc doesn't recommend me going much passed my due date, in case he is really that big..or bigger.
What if he doesn't come on his own? I'll have to be induced shortly after my due date. I know what pitocin is like and I know what it feels like to have my water broken, etc. But at least last time my labor started on its own. Without that, am I in for a horribly painful delivery? Or worse..what if the induction doesn't work and I have to have a C-section? But if I don't induce, what if I wait and he gets too big and I still have to have a C-section?
So many questions, so many concerns.
Those only cover my worries for the actual delivery process. What about when we get home?
My son is hitting his terrible twos, he's teething, and we just wrapped up a 6 month deployment and move from OH back to VA. He's still adjusting to Daddy being home and everyone else being gone. And he's overly-attached to me.
How am I going to take care of a newborn and still give him the love and assurance he needs to get through this stage? Am I going to be able to do all the things I want to do..or will I fall short as a mom/wife?
Deep in my heart I know everything is and will be fine. I've always wanted a few kids and I know if we ever have another one, I will probably go through the same emotions. It's such a big change but it's such a wanted one. I can't wait to be a family of four. Aside from all the worry and wondering, I know that I'm beyond blessed. It doesn't matter how hard it is to get him here, once he's here things will be amazing. It's okay if it takes Xander a little while to adjust, I will always love him and he will always know that. Seeing my boys play together and love each other is going to be the most amazing thing in this world. And although it's going to be a change going from one child to two, I know that my heart will just double its loving capacity. Just like you can't fathom the love you have for your child until you meet him or her, I cannot fathom that amount of love increasing..but I know it will. And I'm so excited to feel that. It's like winning the lottery and then winning the lottery again 2 years later! lol. Except much much much better.
I can't wait!
Tomorrow I will be 39 weeks pregnant.
Every day is such a crazy mix of emotions for me. I thought after going through this once, I would be accustomed to the feelings that come with it. But, I guess it doesn't get any less exciting or nerve-wracking each time.
This time is a little different, though. Now I already have one baby (yes, he's 27 months old today but he's still my baby). It feels bitter-sweet. I'm so excited to have Archer here. However, a small part of me is sad that Xander isn't going to be the baby anymore. His days of getting every little morsel of my attention are over. Now my love and time must be split, or better yet, multiplied.
Some days I find myself being so impatient. I envision my water breaking every time I stand up. I analyze every little cramp and contraction. I want so badly for this to be "it".
On the other hand, I'm so completely nervous! I'm nervous about the labor and delivery process itself, which completely surprises me because I thought I'd be in a "been there, done that" state of mind. It's the opposite! I feel more nervous and scared because this time I know what to expect. I've felt that pain before and it's not fun. Worth it? 1000 times over. But no where near pleasant.
I have all these fears and questions.
What if he comes late like Xander? What if I don't progress on my own like I should? I really don't want pitocin again. What if the epidural fails again? Should I even get an epidural or should I just try to tough it out? How much did the epidural work for me last time? I think I felt most of the pain but what if it covered up more than I realize and I choose to go without it this time and realize I can't do it?
Then there are the concerns about his size. He was predicted to be 8lbs at 37 weeks. My doc doesn't recommend me going much passed my due date, in case he is really that big..or bigger.
What if he doesn't come on his own? I'll have to be induced shortly after my due date. I know what pitocin is like and I know what it feels like to have my water broken, etc. But at least last time my labor started on its own. Without that, am I in for a horribly painful delivery? Or worse..what if the induction doesn't work and I have to have a C-section? But if I don't induce, what if I wait and he gets too big and I still have to have a C-section?
So many questions, so many concerns.
Those only cover my worries for the actual delivery process. What about when we get home?
My son is hitting his terrible twos, he's teething, and we just wrapped up a 6 month deployment and move from OH back to VA. He's still adjusting to Daddy being home and everyone else being gone. And he's overly-attached to me.
How am I going to take care of a newborn and still give him the love and assurance he needs to get through this stage? Am I going to be able to do all the things I want to do..or will I fall short as a mom/wife?
Deep in my heart I know everything is and will be fine. I've always wanted a few kids and I know if we ever have another one, I will probably go through the same emotions. It's such a big change but it's such a wanted one. I can't wait to be a family of four. Aside from all the worry and wondering, I know that I'm beyond blessed. It doesn't matter how hard it is to get him here, once he's here things will be amazing. It's okay if it takes Xander a little while to adjust, I will always love him and he will always know that. Seeing my boys play together and love each other is going to be the most amazing thing in this world. And although it's going to be a change going from one child to two, I know that my heart will just double its loving capacity. Just like you can't fathom the love you have for your child until you meet him or her, I cannot fathom that amount of love increasing..but I know it will. And I'm so excited to feel that. It's like winning the lottery and then winning the lottery again 2 years later! lol. Except much much much better.
I can't wait!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I give up.
On this blog challenge. I started it almost a year ago and it was only a 30 day challenge. I've been off and on with it for quite some time but can never keep up with it. So, I'm putting my pride aside and calling it quits.
Is it horrible that I'm wanting to find another one to start now? lol.
Is it horrible that I'm wanting to find another one to start now? lol.
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