Friday, November 26, 2010

Dear hormones, I forgive you.

Yep, that's right. I'm no longer mad at my body. I see now that it wasn't playing tricks on me and that it had good reason to be doing the things it was doing.

You guessed it, I'm pregnant! Of course I thought there was a good possibility: the fact that we were actively trying and did the deed during my ovulation, the fact that my boobies were leaking, more frequent bathroom breaks, and a few sprinklings of nausea here and there. I didn't want to read too much into it, especially after taking one test that was negative. So, I waited until I was for sure late and tested the next day. I woke at 5am to pee as I had every day for almost a week and I couldn't wait until I was officially "up" for the day so I tested then. I loved seeing that word on the test: Pregnant.

After a couple of hours of excitement I fell back to sleep and thankfully Xander slept in a little bit that morning. Once we got up I got him all ready for his doctor's appointment and because if that appointment, Robert got off work early. Thankfully I didn't have to wait 12 hours to tell him like I did with Xander. He got home around noon and I let him know the great news. He was very excited but it didn't take long for the worry to set in. I'm due only a couple of weeks after he's set to return home from deployment. If history repeats itself, we won't have to worry about me going early (Xander hung in there until 40 weeks 6 days), but there's always the questions of what we're going to do leading up to the birth.
Xander and I are moving home to Ohio while Robert is deployed and it's certainly not the best idea to move 9 hours and try to set up an apartment when I'm 36-38 weeks along. So, the question is, would it be better for me to move here a month or two before he gets home and take the chance of me being alone when I got into labor (if I were to go early), or would it be better for me to remain in Ohio with plenty of people to help and Robert hope he gets the correct leave to come there for the birth and then us make the trip with a newborn back to Virginia?

He was stressed right away and I have to admit, it kind of upset me because I just wanted to revel in the happiness of it all. But, he's right. We have a lot to figure out before then. I know he's also probably just a little overwhelmed that now this dream of a baby is real and that means it's real that he's going to miss my growing belly, the first kicks, finding out the sex, baby showers and the lot of it. Not to mention the rumors that his deployment may be extended and that he may not be home to welcome our new addition into the world.

Although all of that is extremely stressful, overwhelming, and a bit sad, we're definitely excited to have another little one on the way! We couldn't be happier. We know another little baby will be a lot of work with our little ball of energy we've already got. But, we'll work it out. We've always wanted another little one and Xander will make an awesome big brother. I couldn't be more pleased or more blessed with my little family.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Dear hormones, what the F?

As some may know, Robert and I have been trying to get pregnant with baby #2 for about 3 months now. Well, this is my fourth cycle since we stopped using protection. Obviously, we haven't gotten lucky yet, which is fine. Although, because of my PCOS, I teeter on the edge of panic each time my period comes or I get a negative on a test, but I know that in the grand scheme of things we shouldn't be worrying yet.

Toward the end of last month I decided to buy one of those nifty ovulation predictor kits. I wanted to ease my fears that I wasn't ovulating at all and assure myself that there's no looming problem, just not our time yet. Well, I got my smiley face on November 5th and I did a little happy dance. Of course I was ready to get right down to business but that's easier said than done with a toddler running around so we planned to wait until he was fast asleep. No such luck there because a friend who had borrowed hubby's car called with some bad news: the car had broken down a whopping four hours from here and the hubs had to leave immediately and go pick him up. They drove to a hotel (he broke down in the middle of no where) and fixed the car in the morning. My mom got into town that day and Robert and I spent some much needed alone time that night..dinner, movie, hotel room..the works. So, although the deed could not be done the day of that beautiful smiley, it was done the day after, which according to the package is still in the fertile time period.
That was 10 days ago. I've had a few "symptoms" but I always have symptoms when I think I might be pregnant. I notice the littlest things and more often than not, they mean nothing.

Fast forward to last night. I'm getting in the shower and I notice a few bumps on my nipples. I experienced the same change when I was pregnant with Xander and I just thought "huh..". Out of instinct, I squeezed. And sure enough..a couple drops of fluid appeared. I tried again, and again, and yet again..a minuscule drop each time. Very odd, I must say. I yelled for the hubs and showed him. "It's probably just a zit." Umm, I'm pretty positive that people don't get zits there. But just in case, I tried the other side. A small drop. So here I am, dumbfounded.

Of course we jumped right on the computer. "Call Dr. Internet", the hubs says. And of course, still as lost as before. We found out that most people don't lactate without being pregnant but it is possible due to hormone changes. We also found out that it's not common that early in a pregnancy but that it sometimes happens because of a reserve from a previous pregnancy. So, that left us just as confused as when we began.

Of course I woke up and immediately peed on a stick this morning. Negative. Even more dumbfounded. Is it too early to test? Quite possibly. I only ovulated 10 days ago. Implantation occurs 6-12 days after ovulation, meaning that may not have even happened yet. But, it is 5 days before my expected period and the test says it produces a 6 day early result. Maybe I'm not pregnant. But why would my breasts just up and decide to release a few drops of fluid after I've been dry in that area for over a year? And of all of the times to do so..when we're trying to conceive and know for sure we had sex on a fertile day? If this is a's a really mean one. lol.

So, here I am. Waiting. Wondering. Asking every question possible because I just don't get it. Hubby doesn't want to even talk about it for fear that his hopes will go up. When I told him about the negative he said "I knew it. Just hormones. It's not feasible to lactate 10 days into a pregnancy." He's right about that. But is it more feasible to lactate when you're not pregnant at all? Ugh..who knows?

I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to throw this out into the blog world. I don't have an announcement and I'm sure that anyone reading is just as confused as I am, wondering well now what? I guess we'll know in about a week. At least I feel a little better getting it all out here. Looks like we'll take it day by day and I'm sure I'll be shouting it from the roof tops if we find out any good news.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

30 Days of Me -Day 24 *11-10-10*

Day 24: Whatever tickles your fancy

Lately, I've been realizing that some people take the commitment of marriage way to lightly. Of course I've always known that some people don't understand what they're getting into when they decide to get married, but I never realized how common that was until now.
I'm not sure if it's because most of my friends are still young (mid 20s or younger) or that a lot of the couples I know have the stress of the military lifestyle to overcome, but it seems as if so many relationships around me are ending in divorce or on a collision course for disaster.

When Robert and I began dating we were still kids. We were both 17--hadn't even began our senior year in high school yet. We moved in together at 18, the week before graduation. We bought a house together at 19. Got engaged and married at 19 & 20. Moved to Chicago at 20 and began this Navy life. Had a child at 21. We definitely understand being young and in love. We know what it's like to grow up together, literally.
We've gone through bootcamp and A-school together, one deployment, several underways, and we're already preparing for deployment #2. So, we get the military stress as well.

The day I said "I do" I understood that meant forever, no matter what, under all circumstances. It didn't mean "I do..unless you're gone for a few weeks and I get lonely." It didn't mean "I do..unless you make me mad." It didn't mean "I do..unless life becomes stressful." It didn't mean "I long as you change." It didn't mean "I do..unless I change." Stress is inevitable. Sadness, loneliness, fights..all inevitable. Change is inevitable. When you get married, you're not saying that you're always going to be exactly the way you were on that're saying that although you know you're going to change and grow, you're choosing to grow together rather than to grow apart.
I'm not saying that there won't ever be doubt..arguments..hurt feelings. We all have that. And, I also understand that some people just truly aren't meant to work out. When you thought you felt one way and you realize you don't..when you've exhausted all your options and tried as hard as you can..I know sometimes it still doesn't work.

It's just the people that don't even feel like they have to try that get to me. In just the last week or so, I've come in contact with a girl who is married, yet texting dirty photos of herself and planning rendezvous with an ex..a girl who removes her wedding band when she goes out dancing just because it's "just for fun", one who exchanges numbers with guys she meets while her husband is deployed because she's "not really going to call."
They could all be the same girl, honestly. None of them understand what marriage is. None of them get that you're married 100% of the time, whether it's more convenient not to be or not. When temptation sneaks in, you refuse don't go searching for it. It's not "just nothing" when another man is kissing on your neck while your husband is overseas wishing he could be home with you.
It truly infuriates me to see this. Of course it's not just women..the men do it too. And it's not just young relationships or military relationships. It's every relationship. Of course everyone makes mistakes, but before you allow yourself to be in that position, why not think about *why* you're even drawn to that. Why do you think it's okay to behave that way? What do you expect out of your partner and are you giving him or her the same thing?

Life is hard. Building a life with one person is difficult as well. There are going to be trials, arguments, distance at times. There are going to be people who realize they aren't supposed to be together. But, please, if you want to live the single life, stay single. And if you choose to make the commitment to be with one person and one person only, honor that commitment and show others that are true to their marriages a little respect.