Saturday, September 3, 2011

Any day now..

I could have a baby!

Tomorrow I will be 39 weeks pregnant. 

Every day is such a crazy mix of emotions for me. I thought after going through this once, I would be accustomed to the feelings that come with it. But, I guess it doesn't get any less exciting or nerve-wracking each time.

This time is a little different, though. Now I already have one baby (yes, he's 27 months old today but he's still my baby). It feels bitter-sweet. I'm so excited to have Archer here. However, a small part of me is sad that Xander isn't going to be the baby anymore. His days of getting every little morsel of my attention are over. Now my love and time must be split, or better yet, multiplied.
Some days I find myself being so impatient. I envision my water breaking every time I stand up. I analyze every little cramp and contraction. I want so badly for this to be "it".
On the other hand, I'm so completely nervous! I'm nervous about the labor and delivery process itself, which completely surprises me because I thought I'd be in a "been there, done that" state of mind. It's the opposite! I feel more nervous and scared because this time I know what to expect. I've felt that pain before and it's not fun. Worth it? 1000 times over. But no where near pleasant. 
I have all these fears and questions.
What if he comes late like Xander? What if I don't progress on my own like I should? I really don't want pitocin again. What if the epidural fails again? Should I even get an epidural or should I just try to tough it out? How much did the epidural work for me last time? I think I felt most of the pain but what if it covered up more than I realize and I choose to go without it this time and realize I can't do it?
Then there are the concerns about his size. He was predicted to be 8lbs at 37 weeks. My doc doesn't recommend me going much passed my due date, in case he is really that big..or bigger.
What if he doesn't come on his own? I'll have to be induced shortly after my due date. I know what pitocin is like and I know what it feels like to have my water broken, etc. But at least last  time my labor started on its own. Without that, am I in for a horribly painful delivery? Or worse..what if the induction doesn't work and I have to have a C-section? But if I don't induce, what if I wait and he gets too big and I still have to have a C-section?

So many questions, so many concerns.

Those only cover my worries for the actual delivery process. What about when we get home?
My son is hitting his terrible twos, he's teething, and we just wrapped up a 6 month deployment and move from OH back to VA. He's still adjusting to Daddy being home and everyone else being gone. And he's overly-attached to me.
How am I going to take care of a newborn and still give him the love and assurance he needs to get through this stage? Am I going to be able to do all the things I want to do..or will I fall short as a mom/wife?

Deep in my heart I know everything is and will be fine. I've always wanted a few kids and I know if we ever have another one, I will probably go through the same emotions. It's such a big change but it's such a wanted one. I can't wait to be a family of four. Aside from all the worry and wondering, I know that I'm beyond blessed. It doesn't matter how hard it is to get him here, once he's here things will be amazing. It's okay if it takes Xander a little while to adjust, I will always love him and he will always know that. Seeing my boys play together and love each other is going to be the most amazing thing in this world. And although it's going to be a change going from one child to two, I know that my heart will just double its loving capacity. Just like you can't fathom the love you have for your child until you meet him or her, I cannot fathom that amount of love increasing..but I know it will. And I'm so excited to feel that. It's like winning the lottery and then winning the lottery again 2 years later! lol. Except much much much better.
I can't wait!

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