30 Days of Me-Day 25 *12-24-10*

First of all, Merry Christmas Eve to everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with laughter, family, and friends.

Day 25: Your day, in great detail
Well, I had been putting off this post because I wanted to actually write about the day on the day, but I've come to terms with the fact that by the end of the day I'm just too tired to and too absent-minded to get on here and do it. lol. So, I'm going to write about a day in great detail, yesterday, to be exact.

I was awoke at 7 am to the phone ringing. It was someone from Robert's ship calling to check in. Yesterday was supposed to be a work day for him, but because he had duty today and would be there all day, they told him that he could take the day off. They call to basically make sure you're still alive and that they still have a small amount of control over your day.
He got up, but I stayed in bed until the baby woke up around 8. Actually, Robert came in and gave me some options: I could sleep in and then I'd have to take the baby to lunch with me while he moved boxes into storage, or I could get up while he moved stuff right then, and he'd be free to watch the baby while I went to lunch with a friend. I decided to get up then, because Xander's nap time would fall right around my lunch time and I'd rather him be at home so he could sleep.

Well, all that changed by 8:30 when someone from his ship called to tell him he had to come in. At 7, he was off for the day but by 8:30, they needed him. Of course we both accepted this graciously, with a few choice words and some eyerolls. He took a load over to the storage unit and headed in. (We're moving by the way..I probably should have said that earlier. I think I might have mentioned it before. He's deploying and I'm moving home to Ohio.)

At that point I decided to head to the mall to get a couple last minute gifts for Robert. I was going to wait and see if my friend wanted to go with me, but since I was now going to have the baby, I wanted to do it before lunch so we could come home for a nap right after. We went to the mall that we don't normally go to because it has a Fossil store and I wanted to get Robert's watch fixed for him. I also stopped by Barnes & Noble and got him one last book. **No worries, I am 100% certain he won't read this before tomorrow, if ever.** I got hit on at Barnes and Noble which was a story in itself.
      I'm walking up and down the aisles searching for this book. I look up and see this guy staring at me. He says "Sup?" and I laugh inside. I didn't know people still said "sup" in face-to-face conversation. Well, let me rephrase that. I didn't know people still said it as a pick-up line. I thought to myself "he's probably just being nice and he hasn't got the 'sup' memo yet.." and I walked on. Well, I was right the first time to assume he was trying to be suave, because the second time I passed him he said "You're sexy as hell, you know that?" Okay..panic mode. I don't know what to do when someone hits on me. It doesn't happen often. And the use of the word "sexy" always throws me off. I haven't been sexy a day in my life. Cute, sometimes..pretty at best. Sexy, no. I don't even know how to be. lol. Secondly, I'm always blown away by how up-front people are. Even in my young and single days, which were very few, I would have never had the confidence to just approach a stranger and say something like that. And last but not least, I was pushing a toddler in a stroller..I thought that always threw guys off (I would hope the wedding band would too, but there's no guaranteeing he saw that). So, I just walked away as fast as possible. I probably should have at least said "thank you". lol. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy..cute, well-groomed, not creepy. I guess he just thought his lines were better than they were and probably wasn't expecting a married woman that doesn't know how to respond to come-ons aside from running in the other direction. lol.

So anyway, I got what I needed at the mall and headed to meet my friend for lunch. We had a nice lunch and I conned Xander into eating some vegetables by dipping them in ketchup. lol.
I laid Xander down for a nap around 3 and Robert got home around 3:30. We just hung out, watched TV, browsed the interwebs. lol. He decided he wanted to go out that night, so I texted my brother and invited him and his girlfriend. They had plans so we got a hold of one of Robert's friends from the ship and we met him and his girlfriend at Buffalo Wild Wings. We waited a little bit to be seated and a good while to actually get our food, but we had a great time. They loved how silly Xander is. Robert's friend kept saying "Is he always like so cool like this?" He did do great. No real fussy spells and he actually ate. We also kept giving him lemons, which he loves, but we were all almost in tears laughing at all his sour faces.

I drove home because Robert had a couple drinks. (Before we went in he said "Do you want me to drink so you can drive?" lol! He's too much sometimes.) We were all exhausted when we got home. We put Xander to bed and then spent some QT together--snuggled up in the bed watching The Office, per usual--before falling asleep.

So there you have it, my day in great detail. It was a pretty good day. =)

I'm just waiting.

I know it has taken me forever to do this 30 Day Challenge. It's been a few months since I started, which is really depressing that I can't even keep up with something for a month straight. I've noticed as an adult that I feel dumber than I used to as a teen. lol. It might sound funny, but I'm serious. I know I'm intelligent, but I'm oh so scatter-brained and forgetful. I've always been a procrastinator but I've realized that I have no amount of self-starter in myself and it makes me a little mad. I used to feel like I could do anything I put my mind to and that my mind was a wonderful thing. Now I just feel like it's just kind of there..getting me through each day. I'm in school, but I need to figure out something else to do to apply myself. It's extremely sad when I can't even complete a task that is supposed to be fun. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, I love my life..I just wish I valued my personality and my talents as much as I used to. I feel like..jello. Just jello. J-e-l-l-o. It's alive.
Anyway, I need to do something in order to light a fire under my own tail and finish the things I've started. This blog holds little importance in my life but writing is something I love to do. I should put more time into it.

I know the next daily challenge is for me to write about my day in detail. Now I'm just waiting for a day that's worth writing about. Oh, I've had them, for sure. But, it seems like the only time I remember this is on days that I've just been sitting here at the apartment, cleaning, doing homework, changing diapers and filling up sippy cups. I don't want to write about a different day, because, well..that would be lying. lol. So, hopefully I can catch myself on an exciting day and get through the next part of this challenge so I can complete it..and then possibly start another one with a bit more gusto.

That was short-lived. =(

Well, I have to say this post isn't going to be nearly as happy and exciting as the last. I found out on Thursday that we lost the baby. =( I'm completely heartbroken and just confused. But, at the same time I am not discouraged. I am trying to let go and let God. I know there is some kind of plan, some kind of reason that I am here where I am now. And, although I may not ever truly know what that reason is, I will put my faith in the reason itself and move forward.

On Tuesday I began having some brown discharge. I didn't think too much of it..brown means old and no worries, right? Well that night I noticed a little red blood on the toilet paper. I went straight in to the ER. Knowing I may have low progesterone (because I did with Xander) and I hadn't been able to see the doctor yet (boo on military docs) so I wasn't on a supplement, I was immediately fearful that something was wrong. The pelvic exam showed nothing out of the ordinary and neither did the ultra sound although it didn't show any sign of baby. The docs said that was normal for where I was at in the pregnancy. My hcg levels were at a 54.

On Wednesday, the bleeding and cramping got worse and it was as if I started a normal period. I ended up back in the ER that night, we repeated the process minus the blood tests and the doc said he just couldn't tell me at that point. My cervix was closed but that didn't mean I hadn't already lost the baby or that I wouldn't. I had an appointment scheduled for Friday to check the hcg again but they didn't want me to wait until then, so I was told to come back in Thursday to the ER and get it redone. I did, and that's when I found out my levels were down to a 24. =(

I kept my appointment Friday. Another pelvic exam, another ultrasound. Everything looked "okay" although it wasn't okay in my eyes. My uterus and everything looks healthy, so on the brightside it seems as though I will be able to get through it naturally and not require a DNC. I have to go back in on this coming Friday for one more blood test to make sure my levels are at a 0.

I've had a few days of extreme pain and a lot of bleeding but I think it's finally coming to an end. I can't say the emotional effects will be so quick to disappear. But, I am remaining strong and positive. This is extremely hard, considering my husband left the morning of the day we found out and won't be back for another week. But, we'll make it through. And, we're planning to begin trying again as soon as we can. We believe we'll be blessed with another child in the future, but a piece of our hearts will always remain with this one.

We have been so blessed with the son that we do have and he's truly brightened each day since this has happened. I don't know what I'd do without that sweet face. So many friends and family members have reached out to us and it's been heart-warming. Although the pain cannot be taken away and the reality cannot be changed, it is nice to know people are thinking of us and praying for us and it truly helps get through times like these.

I'm sorry to anyone who has ever experienced a loss like this. No one should have to give up hopes and dreams of a future with the perfect little expression of their love. My heart is with anyone who has felt this or a loss later in pregnancy or, Heaven forbid, the loss of a child. I hope you will join me in knowing that there is a reason to go on and something wonderful for us up ahead. <3