Well, I have to say this post isn't going to be nearly as happy and exciting as the last. I found out on Thursday that we lost the baby. =( I'm completely heartbroken and just confused. But, at the same time I am not discouraged. I am trying to let go and let God. I know there is some kind of plan, some kind of reason that I am here where I am now. And, although I may not ever truly know what that reason is, I will put my faith in the reason itself and move forward.
On Tuesday I began having some brown discharge. I didn't think too much of it..brown means old and no worries, right? Well that night I noticed a little red blood on the toilet paper. I went straight in to the ER. Knowing I may have low progesterone (because I did with Xander) and I hadn't been able to see the doctor yet (boo on military docs) so I wasn't on a supplement, I was immediately fearful that something was wrong. The pelvic exam showed nothing out of the ordinary and neither did the ultra sound although it didn't show any sign of baby. The docs said that was normal for where I was at in the pregnancy. My hcg levels were at a 54.
On Wednesday, the bleeding and cramping got worse and it was as if I started a normal period. I ended up back in the ER that night, we repeated the process minus the blood tests and the doc said he just couldn't tell me at that point. My cervix was closed but that didn't mean I hadn't already lost the baby or that I wouldn't. I had an appointment scheduled for Friday to check the hcg again but they didn't want me to wait until then, so I was told to come back in Thursday to the ER and get it redone. I did, and that's when I found out my levels were down to a 24. =(
I kept my appointment Friday. Another pelvic exam, another ultrasound. Everything looked "okay" although it wasn't okay in my eyes. My uterus and everything looks healthy, so on the brightside it seems as though I will be able to get through it naturally and not require a DNC. I have to go back in on this coming Friday for one more blood test to make sure my levels are at a 0.
I've had a few days of extreme pain and a lot of bleeding but I think it's finally coming to an end. I can't say the emotional effects will be so quick to disappear. But, I am remaining strong and positive. This is extremely hard, considering my husband left the morning of the day we found out and won't be back for another week. But, we'll make it through. And, we're planning to begin trying again as soon as we can. We believe we'll be blessed with another child in the future, but a piece of our hearts will always remain with this one.
We have been so blessed with the son that we do have and he's truly brightened each day since this has happened. I don't know what I'd do without that sweet face. So many friends and family members have reached out to us and it's been heart-warming. Although the pain cannot be taken away and the reality cannot be changed, it is nice to know people are thinking of us and praying for us and it truly helps get through times like these.
I'm sorry to anyone who has ever experienced a loss like this. No one should have to give up hopes and dreams of a future with the perfect little expression of their love. My heart is with anyone who has felt this or a loss later in pregnancy or, Heaven forbid, the loss of a child. I hope you will join me in knowing that there is a reason to go on and something wonderful for us up ahead. <3