30 Days of Me -Day 20 *9-27-10*

Day 20: A hobby of yours

Scrapbooking!! I love it. I've been doing it for 4 or 5 years now, but I still feel like a beginner. I feel like I have a lot of methods to learn, but I can see my books improving as I go. I started out by making one for Robert for our first anniversary. It's extremely plain and actually not even finished to this day, because I left the last page blank to document what we actually did on our anniversary and then the pictures from that day got deleted. lol. Since then I've made one for our wedding, one for my pregnancy, and I'm working on one for Xander's first year. Yes, his first year..and he is now almost 16 months. lol. It's hard to keep up with it with a little one running around but I'm committed to getting it done. As busy as I may be, I plan to make one for my next pregnancy and baby's first year, but my immediate next project will be a Navy scrapbook--documenting boot camp, schools, graduations, and deployments thus far.
I will share a couple of my favorite pages here:

 From our wedding book:

 From my pregnancy book:

 From Xander's First Year book:

30 Days of Me -Day 19 *9-24-10*

Day 19: A talent of yours
Well, I can sing. It's hard to hear yourself as others hear you, but I think I'm pretty good. I'm very shy, however, so most people haven't heard me *really* sing. It takes a lot for me to just belt it out. I guess I'm so self-conscious about it because it means so much to me. I love to sing..always have..always will. It just makes me happy. I feel like I'm truly myself when I'm singing. When I was younger, I wanted to be "a singer", whatever that means. I've realized as an adult that I can be just that..and still be everything else as well. I don't think I'll ever make money from it--it will never be my career--but, I'm happy just singing at my friends' weddings and such. My best friend and I have always talked about doing some stuff with our music, and when I'm home next time we're going to work on it and try to get out there. Of course, it might just be doing a few open-mic nights at local bars or coffee shops, but as long as we're being heard, I think we'll be happy.
I also write--mostly poetry and songs. I guess I feel like these two things are the best way to express myself. I always feel like I'm letting something out when I'm singing or writing. I feel like I can really feel things this way..not just going through the motions but experiencing things. You're inside my head and my heart when you read my stuff or when you hear me sing something with the passion that only comes from living the lyrics.  I'm always really leery of posting my stuff publicly because I'm afraid of not getting credit for it. But, I'll post a little something here..I guess even if someone does hijack it, I'll always know it's mine. lol.   ; )

I never named this, but I wrote it a while ago right before Robert left for boot camp:

With every breath
every tick-tock of the clock
it grows nearer
and my heart grows weaker and it can't stand
    the way my brain keeps fighting
    for control.
It's overwhelming
the feelings colliding, ever going
from one end of the spectrum to the other
    in seconds
    and back again.
I need to see you, feel you
at all times.
Watch your every move
to ensure you don't go sooner.
To capture every moment
    after moment together.
With your sleep comes my panic,
    a lonely panic
    grabbing at me from inside out
    screaming that you've gone.
So I wait and I listen
for the steadiness of your breath
and the movement of the sheets
that say "I'm here for a little longer."
    And I crawl
    up beside you
    wondering if I could make it last forever,
    Knowing I cannot.
Yet, the feeling will remain.
    Strong, enduring,
    making me happy, making me ache
until you're there again.
    And again comes the relief,
    the passion, endearment,
    the wonder, the footsteps
    the silence,
    the tears.
So I'll be waiting to feel you once again.
Can one tell the worthiness in a brave step before the journey is over?
Does one fathom the strength that grows under the soil of necessity?
All that I know,
    all that is true
    is love will prevail.
Our love will prevail.
Forever we've despised our life of normalcy,
But what comfort and warmth normalcy holds.
We will trade our normalcy for the best of the best,
the worst of the worst.
And how will we know
it was a wise step?
   
    When we survive.
It's that "when" that I'm longing for.
"When" holds my hand
    and my heart
    and whispers in my ear
that as your departure grows nearer
    with every breath
    every tick-tock
So do the days that hold kisses,
    the days that hold joy,
    the days that prove we're in this for life,
    and the days when we have finally accomplished what we've set out to do.
When the time in the past was short
and the time in the future is everlasting.
   
"When?" is my prayer
    and
"When." is my answer.

30 Days of Me -Day 18 *9-23-10*

Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy

So, another one of these. I honestly can't believe how horrible I've been at keeping up with this 30 Day Challenge. I'm ashamed of my blogging self. lol.

Well, let's see. I get to tickle my fancy today..so, I shall write about what is on my mind at the moment. Right now, that is another baby. Robert and I have talked a lot about when would be the best time to try for baby #2. We started "negotiations" as I like to call it around the beginning of this year. Not that either of us was ready then, but I like to have a plan for these kind of things. We were back and forth many times. Just when I'd think we had decided on something, one of us (usually him) would switch it up. At times it was him wanting to wait longer and other times it was him saying he didn't want anymore kids, period. That's a hard pill to swallow for me, considering I ideally want three but at least two and hoping for my little girl at some point. Robert didn't want kids at all when we first met, but I guess after settling down with the right girl--me ; )--he changed his mind. First he wanted two, then just the one, then two, then one, then two, and just recently he said "maybe one more soon and then another when I'm on shore duty". Lol. If you pick up anything about my husband from this post, it will be that he's just as indecisive about long-term decisions as I am about short-term ones.
We discussed another child back in February, then again a time or two during his deployment. And during that last discussion, we settled (or so I thought) on beginning to TTC around the holidays of this year. We want our kids to be 2-3 years apart, and of course, we've got a deployment schedule to *try* to work around. Well, a little over a month ago we were talking about moving into a new place and what we are looking for. "3 bedrooms, of course", I said. And then came the look on his face. The look of indecision. The look that makes me panic..or quite frankly just ticks me off. lol. So, the words that always follow this look came shortly after "I'm not sure I want another kid." Ugghhh.
So, of course we discussed it a little bit and we got to the bottom of the issues--
He's worried about finances &
He's worried about me juggling two young kids when he has to be gone..but,
He definitely wants another baby.

Of course he's worried about those things. That's completely natural..and logical..and legitimate. As far as finances are concerned, between income taxes, a raise or two, and a re-enlistment bonus right around or shortly after a new baby would arrive, I think we can handle it. Things may be a bit tighter, but we can do it. As far as me being a geographically-single mom of 2 instead of 1 at times--of course it's going to be harder. But I've got a wonderful support system. There are a few great people around here and even more wonderful people that support me from afar. I know I've always got the option to move home. Even if there isn't room for us at my mom's, we could get our own little place for a third of what we pay here and have grandmas, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends within an arm's reach at all times. Plus, let me just toot my own horn a little bit here--I'm a strong person. I know that having two kids is going to be a lot different than having one, but I can manage it. I feel like my whole life revolves around strength that I never knew I had. Strength to be away from family and friends, strength to support my husband when he's gone, strength to juggle things on my own, strength to stay positive although I know it's a difficult and dangerous life, strength to get through month 7 of my pregnancy with a cast and crutches (lol), strength to go through 15 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing with an epidural that didn't work and not shed a tear until it was a tear of joy  that my baby boy was here. I may seem weak to some, and at times even to myself. But, I'm a strong person. I know I am. And I know I will continue to prove that I am to myself and to others.

So, that being said..(sorry, I'm extremely long-winded..but it's my blog, so..get used to it. =P) Robert got excited about another baby really quick. And me being me, I was already excited. I figured our plan would still be on--TTC around the holidays. But he took me by surprise when he asked "Why not now?" I told him I wanted him to be there for the birth, and he assured me that he'd be back before the birth even if I got pregnant now (that is now up for debate, but what isn't with the military?). So, we started right away. We've had one cycle so far, and although I am 2 days late, I got a negative on a home test. So, I'm probably just off this month. But we'll be trying next month, and the next, and the next until he leaves. And, if I'm not pregnant when he leaves, we'll try when he gets back. We're not going to be disappointed if it doesn't work right away, but it will be hard for me not to jump right to the conclusion that something's wrong--the whole PCOS thing really sucks, and although it happened fairly easily with Xander, I worry that it was just a fluke. No matter what, our little ones will always be miracles to me..so wish us luck that our next little miracle comes along sooner rather than later. =)

30 Days of Me-Day 17 *9-21-10*

Day 17: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

 I chose this because it is a pretty painting, but mainly because it's by Bob Ross. And..I love me some Bob Ross. I used to watched The Joy of Painting when I was a kid and I would always pretend I was painting stuff while I watched it. lol.

30 Days of Me-Day 16 *9-18-10*

Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)



This song always brings a tear to my eye because I think of all those sleepless nights when we first brought Xander home..and how it seemed like it would be forever before I had time to take a shower or eat a meal. And now, he's 15 months and it all happened in a blink of an eye. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to take anything for granted--the dirty diapers, the screaming fits, the games of "throw and have Mommy pick up" because..it won't be this way for long. I already miss the days of rocking him to sleep and hearing his little coos, etc. I know before I know it I'll be missing these days too.

30 Days of Me-Day 15 *9-17-10*

Day 15: A fanfic

Well, maybe I live under a rock but I'm going to be honest here: I have no clue what "fanfic" means. So, I looked it up. And, I'm still lost. lol. I even went to fanfiction.com and browsed through a few things there..and yes, still no clue what I'm looking for. lol. As far as I can tell by wiki's description, a fanfic is an original work redone by a fan? Gosh, I have no clue. So, since I'm completely lost and backward when it comes to this, rather than posting one I'm going to ask for others to post them in the comments section (assuming that anyone reads this..which I'm beginning to think they don't. lol) in order to school me on the matter. Thanks!

30 Days of Me-Day 14 *9-16-10*

Wow, I've been a bad blogger lately. Shame on me. I don't know how, but one day I just completely forgot about this challenge. I'm just a little over a week shy of a month and I'm only on day 14 of the challenge. I need to really get back into it. So, here goes:

Day 14: A non-fictional book
I'm not sure if this can be considered non-fiction, but it's semi-non-fiction, as it's based on real events.

The Devil in the White City by Eric Lawson is a book based on the events of serial murders that took place during and around the time of the World Fair in Chicago in 1893. It starts off a bit slow, but it becomes a fast-paced page turner. It details the life of the serial killer and his killings, while also peering into the man who was the brains behind the World Fair and the goings on therein. Of course, certain parts of it are fabricated but the events, people, killings, etc. are all real.

30 Days of Me-Day 13 *9-9-10*

Day 13: A Fictional Book

This book is awesome. It's set in the 40s I believe, and details the life of a young boy with big dreams as he talks back and forth with a famous baseball player at the time. The book is so interesting and it's an extremely quick read. It's set up as letters and post cards between the two main characters as well as newspaper clip-its, report cards, etc. The book is really funny but it's also very sweet and had me (and my husband) shedding a tear at the conclusion. If you've got a day or two with some free time, head over to your library and check it out (or just borrow it from me if  you're close by). For more info on it, click here.

30 Days of Me-Day 12 *9-8-10*

Day 12: Whatever tickles your fancy

What shall I discuss today? Well, the main thing on my mind right now is the pain I'm feeling in my ear. I got my left cartilage pierced about 3 days ago and it's still hurting pretty badly. Right now it's throbbing but I just cleaned it, so I figure I irritated it. I had this same piercing when I was younger--about 12. I don't recall it being so painful but, hey, that was 10 years ago. At the same time, I got it pierced with a gun at Claire's or something of  the sort..this time it was with a real piercing needle at a tattoo shop and I'm pretty sure it's a lot bigger gauge. Let's hope it's feeling better by the time I'm one week out.
This makes the 3rd thing I have pierced  (if you count each regular ear hole as one piercing). I didn't really think I would ever get this again, but the place was having a $10 piercing sale and I was going with a friend to get her nose done--I guess I just couldn't resist. I thought about getting an industrial but quickly changed my mind when I envisioned Xander grabbing a hold of the bar and yanking like it's his job. Maybe I'll get the second hole and make it an industrial later on. Robert went on and on about how much he loves it, so, that's cute. lol. I'm pretty sure it will be my last piercing but I can't make any guarantees. That's the same thing I said about my first tattoo as well...
Which leads me to an entirely different subject. I've got two tattoos. One I love..the other, not so much. I love what my second one is (a yellow ribbon and the scripture Hebrews 11:1) but I'm not happy with the work. It's not exactly what I had in mind--it's much bigger and set up differently--and the art work is just poor. The words are already starting to run together and I've only had it for a few months, the ribbon is lighter in some spots than others and has a black mark on the bottom where (I guess) the black ink wasn't completely washed off the needle. On top of that, it has a lot to do with my husband (hence the yellow ribbon) and the feelings/commitment I have toward him and the faith I have in God, our relationship, and the promise that he'll always come home safe to me...BUT, my husband hates it. For the same reasons that I do. And, that just breaks my heart. So, what to do? It's permanent..there's no turning back now. It bothers me because some days I love it. I love it for what it stands for and I like the idea of it..I just don't like it.
I wish I could just go back in time and say "No, I think I'll just wait to get it." when the artist told me he'd have to make some changes on my original idea. But, I can't. So, now what? I've thought about removal..but the creams don't work--no way, no how. And the laser removal is very  costly, sometimes dangerous, and never guaranteed. So, I'm thinking my real options are: live with it or cover it up. There is one more tattoo I want for sure and that is the birth flowers of my kids. I thought I'd get it on my right foot, but maybe I will just get it to cover this one. I  don't even know if that will work..but I could always ask. My only problems there are: I have to wait until I have at least one more kid for the tattoo to be big enough to cover this one AND what if I have more than one more kid..I don't want a whole arm piece or anything.
Ugh! It's so stressful..Idk what to do so I've been thinking on it and it seems like every other night I'm lying in bed going over my options. It's honestly not that bad of a tattoo--it's just not what I wanted and I'm disappointed with the way it turned out. So, now I just have to decide what I want to do about that, if anything.
This turned out a lot longer than I planned on it being..it happens, I suppose.

30 Days of Me-Day 11 *9-7-10*

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently
Well, this shouldn't be too hard. I guess it's a good thing too, since I forgot to do this all day and am just hopping on before bed.

This one was taken a little over a week ago when hubby and I were heading to a Josh Turner concert..which was pretty awesome, I might add. ; )

30 Days of Me-Day 10 *9-6-10*

So, I'm behind again. This weekend has been really busy for us and I totally just forgot about this.

Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago

I think I was about 2 in this. Check out that old-school car seat. I posted this picture because I think I look a lot like Xander in this..or, he looks a lot like me. lol.

30 Days of Me-Day 9 *9-3-10*

Day 9: A photo you took

I take a ton of pictures..mostly of my adorable son, of course! lol. But, I have a feeling I'll be posting a lot more of him so let me see if I can find something in another category..

I took this pic with my friend's fancy camera..I was trying to be goofy and act artsy by taking really up close shots of myself and my friends, and turns out I actually really liked this one.

30 Days of Me-Day 8 *9-2-10*

Day 8: A photo that makes you angry/sad

Well, this won't be a photo from my own personal collection.

This photo not only makes me sad but it infuriates me. These are protesters/members of the Westboro Baptist Church. My first issue with  this photo is  that it gives Christianity a bad name. Christianity is about living as Jesus lived--it's about loving and not hating. God doesn't hate anyone. Secondly, it makes me sad and angry that these are children holding these signs. Children are supposed to be innocent. These kids shouldn't even have to address  these issues, much less be spokespeople for them. Why would you teach your children to hate a group of people just because they're different? Ignorance breeds ignorance, I suppose. The message this picture sends is NOT okay.

30 Days of Me-Day 7 *9-1-10*

So, technically it's the 2nd, but I haven't gone to bed yet and therefore, it's the 1st to me.

Day 7: A photo that makes you happy
This one should be easy. I guess  the only hard part would be choosing one out of the many photos that make me happy, because there are literally thousands.
I've settled on this one:

Our beautiful baby boy--our world--the day our lives truly began. I see this picture and it all comes rushing back to me. There is no feeling like it and seeing his face is still the simplest, most powerful way to spread a smile across my face and make me feel like all is right in the world.