30 Days of Me -Day 19 *9-24-10*

Day 19: A talent of yours
Well, I can sing. It's hard to hear yourself as others hear you, but I think I'm pretty good. I'm very shy, however, so most people haven't heard me *really* sing. It takes a lot for me to just belt it out. I guess I'm so self-conscious about it because it means so much to me. I love to sing..always have..always will. It just makes me happy. I feel like I'm truly myself when I'm singing. When I was younger, I wanted to be "a singer", whatever that means. I've realized as an adult that I can be just that..and still be everything else as well. I don't think I'll ever make money from it--it will never be my career--but, I'm happy just singing at my friends' weddings and such. My best friend and I have always talked about doing some stuff with our music, and when I'm home next time we're going to work on it and try to get out there. Of course, it might just be doing a few open-mic nights at local bars or coffee shops, but as long as we're being heard, I think we'll be happy.
I also write--mostly poetry and songs. I guess I feel like these two things are the best way to express myself. I always feel like I'm letting something out when I'm singing or writing. I feel like I can really feel things this way..not just going through the motions but experiencing things. You're inside my head and my heart when you read my stuff or when you hear me sing something with the passion that only comes from living the lyrics.  I'm always really leery of posting my stuff publicly because I'm afraid of not getting credit for it. But, I'll post a little something here..I guess even if someone does hijack it, I'll always know it's mine. lol.   ; )

I never named this, but I wrote it a while ago right before Robert left for boot camp:

With every breath
every tick-tock of the clock
it grows nearer
and my heart grows weaker and it can't stand
    the way my brain keeps fighting
    for control.
It's overwhelming
the feelings colliding, ever going
from one end of the spectrum to the other
    in seconds
    and back again.
I need to see you, feel you
at all times.
Watch your every move
to ensure you don't go sooner.
To capture every moment
    after moment together.
With your sleep comes my panic,
    a lonely panic
    grabbing at me from inside out
    screaming that you've gone.
So I wait and I listen
for the steadiness of your breath
and the movement of the sheets
that say "I'm here for a little longer."
    And I crawl
    up beside you
    wondering if I could make it last forever,
    Knowing I cannot.
Yet, the feeling will remain.
    Strong, enduring,
    making me happy, making me ache
until you're there again.
    And again comes the relief,
    the passion, endearment,
    the wonder, the footsteps
    the silence,
    the tears.
So I'll be waiting to feel you once again.
Can one tell the worthiness in a brave step before the journey is over?
Does one fathom the strength that grows under the soil of necessity?
All that I know,
    all that is true
    is love will prevail.
Our love will prevail.
Forever we've despised our life of normalcy,
But what comfort and warmth normalcy holds.
We will trade our normalcy for the best of the best,
the worst of the worst.
And how will we know
it was a wise step?
   
    When we survive.
It's that "when" that I'm longing for.
"When" holds my hand
    and my heart
    and whispers in my ear
that as your departure grows nearer
    with every breath
    every tick-tock
So do the days that hold kisses,
    the days that hold joy,
    the days that prove we're in this for life,
    and the days when we have finally accomplished what we've set out to do.
When the time in the past was short
and the time in the future is everlasting.
   
"When?" is my prayer
    and
"When." is my answer.