Thursday, September 23, 2010

30 Days of Me -Day 18 *9-23-10*

Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy

So, another one of these. I honestly can't believe how horrible I've been at keeping up with this 30 Day Challenge. I'm ashamed of my blogging self. lol.

Well, let's see. I get to tickle my fancy, I shall write about what is on my mind at the moment. Right now, that is another baby. Robert and I have talked a lot about when would be the best time to try for baby #2. We started "negotiations" as I like to call it around the beginning of this year. Not that either of us was ready then, but I like to have a plan for these kind of things. We were back and forth many times. Just when I'd think we had decided on something, one of us (usually him) would switch it up. At times it was him wanting to wait longer and other times it was him saying he didn't want anymore kids, period. That's a hard pill to swallow for me, considering I ideally want three but at least two and hoping for my little girl at some point. Robert didn't want kids at all when we first met, but I guess after settling down with the right girl--me ; )--he changed his mind. First he wanted two, then just the one, then two, then one, then two, and just recently he said "maybe one more soon and then another when I'm on shore duty". Lol. If you pick up anything about my husband from this post, it will be that he's just as indecisive about long-term decisions as I am about short-term ones.
We discussed another child back in February, then again a time or two during his deployment. And during that last discussion, we settled (or so I thought) on beginning to TTC around the holidays of this year. We want our kids to be 2-3 years apart, and of course, we've got a deployment schedule to *try* to work around. Well, a little over a month ago we were talking about moving into a new place and what we are looking for. "3 bedrooms, of course", I said. And then came the look on his face. The look of indecision. The look that makes me panic..or quite frankly just ticks me off. lol. So, the words that always follow this look came shortly after "I'm not sure I want another kid." Ugghhh.
So, of course we discussed it a little bit and we got to the bottom of the issues--
He's worried about finances &
He's worried about me juggling two young kids when he has to be gone..but,
He definitely wants another baby.

Of course he's worried about those things. That's completely natural..and logical..and legitimate. As far as finances are concerned, between income taxes, a raise or two, and a re-enlistment bonus right around or shortly after a new baby would arrive, I think we can handle it. Things may be a bit tighter, but we can do it. As far as me being a geographically-single mom of 2 instead of 1 at times--of course it's going to be harder. But I've got a wonderful support system. There are a few great people around here and even more wonderful people that support me from afar. I know I've always got the option to move home. Even if there isn't room for us at my mom's, we could get our own little place for a third of what we pay here and have grandmas, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends within an arm's reach at all times. Plus, let me just toot my own horn a little bit here--I'm a strong person. I know that having two kids is going to be a lot different than having one, but I can manage it. I feel like my whole life revolves around strength that I never knew I had. Strength to be away from family and friends, strength to support my husband when he's gone, strength to juggle things on my own, strength to stay positive although I know it's a difficult and dangerous life, strength to get through month 7 of my pregnancy with a cast and crutches (lol), strength to go through 15 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing with an epidural that didn't work and not shed a tear until it was a tear of joy  that my baby boy was here. I may seem weak to some, and at times even to myself. But, I'm a strong person. I know I am. And I know I will continue to prove that I am to myself and to others.

So, that being said..(sorry, I'm extremely long-winded..but it's my blog, so..get used to it. =P) Robert got excited about another baby really quick. And me being me, I was already excited. I figured our plan would still be on--TTC around the holidays. But he took me by surprise when he asked "Why not now?" I told him I wanted him to be there for the birth, and he assured me that he'd be back before the birth even if I got pregnant now (that is now up for debate, but what isn't with the military?). So, we started right away. We've had one cycle so far, and although I am 2 days late, I got a negative on a home test. So, I'm probably just off this month. But we'll be trying next month, and the next, and the next until he leaves. And, if I'm not pregnant when he leaves, we'll try when he gets back. We're not going to be disappointed if it doesn't work right away, but it will be hard for me not to jump right to the conclusion that something's wrong--the whole PCOS thing really sucks, and although it happened fairly easily with Xander, I worry that it was just a fluke. No matter what, our little ones will always be miracles to wish us luck that our next little miracle comes along sooner rather than later. =)

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