Thursday, August 19, 2010

That Girl

I've been struggling lately with what I truly want to "be". Is a mother and a wife enough? It's definitely the most important thing to me. It's all I ever wanted, and I'm blessed to have those things in my life at such a young age. But is this all I'm going to be for the rest of my life? And, is that what I want? Honestly, I have no clue. I remember having the discussion with Robert once, a few years ago, about what we both wanted out of life. I told him "The only thing that really matters to me is someday being married to you and having a family." And I meant every word. I would be happy if that is all I do for the rest of my life, but isn't it okay to want more if it's not going to interfere with my main priorities?

When I was in high school, I saw myself having it all. I would go to college, probably Ohio State, graduate with honors, of course, get my Master's and my PhD, open my own successful practice as a Psychiatrist or maybe take another route and become State Representative, and in the meantime I'd marry my true love and have a handful of kids. Well, that didn't happen. And now I'm not sure I even want it to. I've realized that I don't want to put a lot of time and money into school..I've realized psychology is an interest of mine but maybe not the field I want to work in for the rest of my life.

I want to be successful some way..and I want to contribute. True, my family will always come first but what happens when my kids are grown and in school and Robert's off to work every day? Am I going to be okay with being home all day or am I going to want to be out doing something more? Are we going to need an income on my part in order to provide the things we want for our children and ourselves? I'm currently in school and although I've had some set backs, I'll have my AA next year. Then what? Right now I feel like I'm just getting a degree so I don't feel like I've given up or failed. I'd rather be doing something else..something more creative..something that I'm more passionate about. But, I'm going to make sure I get at least one degree to prove to myself and others that the girl who used to have all these big plans for school and a career didn't give up completely.
And, honestly, I hate to even word it like that. Even if I did choose to be a SAHM forever, that wouldn't be giving up. It's the most demanding job there is..and there's no training before hand. You just jump into the most important job you could work and you learn by trial and error. So, would that make me a bad person if I just chose to do that and nothing else? I have no clue. Some days I think that really is what I want. And others, I feel like I should be out in the world doing something more and bringing in some extra money. Either way, I wind up feeling guilty. If I decide that being a SAHM really is all I want to do, I feel guilty that I'm not pursuing all these things I once said I would. I feel guilty that I'm not being more proactive and productive when it comes to my education or a career for myself. But, when I  think about getting started in a career or furthering my education, it's something that doesn't sound as appealing as being with my family all the time..and I feel guilty for taking time away from the things that mean the most to me. I want to be doing something I love..not just something that brings in cash. And, that leaves me with still being lost. Other than being a wife and a mom, what do I truly love? I love to sing and I love to write. Singing for a living is illogical..and how does one start a career in writing?

I wish I could just be decisive. I wish I had more of a plan for the future than just getting my almost useless degree and going from there. I just want to be "that girl". The one with everything. The one who wakes up every morning and runs 5 miles, jogging stroller for 2 or 3 in tow. The one with the 1 year old that can count, the 3 year old that can read chapter books, and the 2nd grader that can play Mozart's Piano Concerto 21 with one hand tied behind his back..all due to her magnificent parenting skills. The one who runs her own successful business and makes 6 figures a year, but works from home so she has ample time to get all the laundry done and hung in color coordinated closets, a roast in for dinner, help the kids with homework, finish a few pages in her latest scrapbook, and make the hubby's favorite dessert. The one that juggles all of this flawlessly during the day, yet still has time for bath time and story time with the kids each night, and time to relax in a bath herself, read a couple chapters of Oprah's latest recommendation, and spend some QT with the hubs. Of course, there would be nights of soccer, football, and piano lessons..sleepovers and bday parties..and date nights with the hubby.
It sounds like it's impossible..but we all know a Bree Van de Kamp. So, why is it that I can't be..I'll never be that person? And what's at stake if I was..I want to be able to juggle everything, have something of my own, please all my loved ones, and yet still have time to enjoy life as I live it. Is this fathomable? There's no doubt that I would rather just stay home with my kids and be there for my husband if it meant that I would have time to support them, to enjoy them, and love them. But, could I do all that and still be someone to look up to? Still a financial contributor, with a degree, and some kind of career? Is there a happy medium..or do you have to sacrifice one for the other? Because if so, there's no question I would sacrifice anything for my family..and I hope that doesn't mean I am looked at like a failure, by others..or myself.

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